“Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story” Lynn C. Tolson blog

I went back to school in my forties to use the college resources to research the correlation between sexual assault and suicide attempts. Missouri Western State University, Department of Social Work and Sociology.  Suicide is not (in and of itself) a psychiatric condition: it is an extreme reaction to extreme human conditions. Basically, those who have been sexually abused are 14 times more likely to attempt suicide. Here is a synopsis of the research, which appeared as an article in the National Association of Social Workers, Missouri Chapter Newsletter.

Sexual Assault as an Antecedent to Suicide Attempts:

A Synopsis From Academic Research

by Lynn C. Tolson, BSW

This article is adapted from research and a presentation conducted by the author at the annual Social Work Institute at Missouri Western State University, Saint Joseph, MO. The purpose of this article is to discuss the relationship between sexual assault and suicide attempts. Research has focused on sexual assault or suicide attempts but few study sexual assault as a precursor to suicide attempts. Although sexual assault occurs across all classes, races, and ethnic groups, rape is the only crime where women are the majority victims. Furthermore, statistics show that females attempt suicide more often than males. Thus, the trauma of a sexual assault may be a precursor to a suicide attempt.

The confluence of factors leading to suicide obscures a path that may possibly point to an attempter’s history as a victim of sexual assault. Since suicide attempts are not crimes and drug overdoses may or may not be intentional, it makes it even more difficult to determine which, if any, suicide attempts are related to sexual assault.

Counselors screen for suicide risk by determining previous attempts, which is a primary indicator of future attempts. In suicide, the closest diagnosis is depression. Clinicians recognize that a suicidal client may present with symptoms of depression, such as fatigue, over-or under-eating, inability to focus, and/or sleeping too little or too much. However, the underlying cause of a victim’s distress must be considered, instead of merely treating a symptom, such as depression. Counselors may consider that a sexual assault history be included when screening for suicide by asking, “Has anyone touched you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable?” This questioning occurs only after the counselors have determined that the client has adequate coping skills and support systems. Follow-up services on the sexually assaulted and/or the suicidal are necessary to prevent an ultimate suicide.

Difficulties arise when victims do not report rapes even in the privacy of a counseling session. In some cases, the victim may not remember the assault, if, perhaps, she had been drugged and passed out. The victim may not reveal for other reasons, such as being blamed for the assault, fearing retaliation from the attacker, or public humiliation. Many survivors of sexual assault may believe rape myths. One such myth is that the typical rapist is a stranger to the victim. In fact, studies revealed the prevalence of date rape and/or acquaintance rape.

Counselors in the community (Saint Joseph, MO) appear to be doing all that they can given the lack of resources to meet the needs. Yet an inadequacy of services may cause individual victims of sexual assault to suffer in isolation and/or to cry out for help in the context of suicide attempts. Services intended to prevent, intervene, and treat sexual assault and/or suicide are inadequate due to lack of funding and staffing. This is unfortunate, given that the need for early rape and suicide prevention programs are necessary prior to adolescence. Agencies should start early in prevention via awareness in the community, and stay long in treating the survivor via support groups.

Churches, schools, and family/community centers may be appropriate avenues for increasing awareness. These institutions must be aware of the rape myths and facts in order to serve victims with knowledge and care. In addition, community members must be mindful of the risk factors associated with suicide to prevent completed suicides.

Society perpetuates stigmas pertaining to suicide and rape; these stigmas cast a code of silence that solves neither problem. The silence limits the study of correlations between sexual assault and suicide attempts. The limits of research diminish public awareness of social issues. However, sexual assault and/or suicide attempts are not merely private matters, but are indeed public issues. I suggest that it is necessary to increase knowledge about these issues, decrease the cost to society in human potential, and take long-term action to treat the sexually assaulted and/or suicide attempters. Adequate services and awareness opportunities for both men and women must be available to intervene, treat, and support victims.

Ample resource material is available by and for professionals (and survivors) seeking information on sexual assault. However, no matter how much literature is available on the social problems of suicide attempts and sexual assault, few true-life stories of recovery are available. Therefore, as the author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story, I made public my private journey of recovery. I reveal my struggle as a survivor of sexual assault, including incest (indeed, family members are not strangers.) The reader of Beyond the Tears is privy to the counseling sessions I engaged in after a suicide attempt. By bringing my dark secrets to light, it is my hope that others who have had similar events will know that they are not alone. Readers may also explore their own emotions to open lines of communication, eliminate shame, and experience healing. I also hope that my book promotes understanding of the issues that cause individual suffering and plaque our society. An additional benefit of this book is that any clinician will see how another counselor made a difference in the author’s life.

For information and resources visit RAINN: Rape, Abuse, Incest, National Network

***** A Must Read on Sexual Abuse, Domestic Violence & Suicide!

Reading Lynn C. Tolson’s memoir Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story, and feeling the relentless deluge of misfortune is like traveling through a desert thunderstorm. In the book, as in the desert, the sun comes out at the end and hope reigns.

Author Tolson draws you into her world on the first page with clear setting details of the outer storm and candid inner monologue of the despair that urges her to end her life. As readers experience Lynn’s desperate plight, two questions emerge: 1. Will she pull herself out of deep depression? and 2. What in her experience of life brought her to this desperate situation?

In subsequent chapters I felt as though I was struggling through perils with Lynn. I experienced the shock and shame of recalling incestuous acts, the guilt of addictions and the empty sense of self that couldn’t walk away from a destructive and violent partner.

Lynn aptly shows readers the slow steady process of recovery of a positive sense of self and an empowered definition of personhood. She doesn’t tread lightly on her shortcomings or on the abusive family relationships that ate away at her self respect. With keenly honed writing the author carries the reader with her up the arduous route to recovery. In the end, we feel her hope and her reclaimed and empowered sense of self.

As one who grew up in an incestuous situation, I highly recommend Beyond the Tears to other survivors and their supporters. Partners of survivors can gain insights that will benefit their relationships. Lynn’s narrative account of recovery can reveal to therapists information that their clients may resist sharing. Student’s training to counsel sexual abuse survivors can see in advance the challenges they may encounter. Families of survivors benefit from reading a first person account of the difficulties a victim faces.

Individuals who are not personally acquainted with a survivor will glean valuable insights to the long term consequences and costs of childhood sexual abuse. In our society that has nurtured a taboo of silence on the subject for centuries; we diminish the pain and angst of innocent victims. We fail to recognize the physical and mental manifestations of sexual victims. Authors’ like Ms. Tolson help us to take a realistic look at what our culture is promoting by not speaking candidly about sexual violence. Review completed by Joyce Aubrey, founder of Finding Our Voices Art

Review of I Closed My Eyes: Revelations of A Battered Woman (Rebuilding Life After Domestic Violence) by Michele Weldon

The author writes in the preface, “I can pray someday I will understand why he did what he did.” A decade after the publication of her book, Ms. Weldon may know that she may never make sense of the insanity that caused her husband to nearly kill her.

Michele Weldon is an award-winning journalist, and her skills as a writer are demonstrated in this true-story about domestic violence. The book is divided into three parts. With each part, Michele inserts private notes and cards her husband wrote to her, each “love letter” meant to be endearing, carefully crafted with all the right words, but somehow lacking in sincerity.

Part One: Getting There, explores an enviable childhood and optimistic young adulthood. In her childhood, she takes us to an ice-cream shop. Michele falls in love, and with few warning signs of an abusive personality, she is married to a man who is enraged and disengaged. In a subsequent chapter, she takes the reader to a pawn shop. The reader gets the disconnect, and how denial serves for survival.

Part Two: Getting Out, explains how scary it is to stay in an abusive marriage, and how scary it is to leave. Although Michele has multiple support systems, it appears that these do not make the emotional aspects of divorcing a sabotaging tyrant any easier. He continues to batter her psychologically, often using their children as a weapon. Throughout part two, Michele writes about crying on a continuum; crying is a measure of healing and hope. The thread of tears is worth reading again.

Part Three: Getting Better, offers gem-filled vignettes, such as an exploration of color, hands, growth, grief, sorrow, joy, celebrations. Michele writes about healing, how it feels and how it sounds “I was no longer spending my nights dreading his key turning in the lock.”

This isn’t only a story about domestic violence. It is also a book about an empowered woman, separate from a man who possessed her, as she reclaimed her true self.

Michele Weldon is the author of Everyman News: The Changing American Front Page and Writing to Save Your Life: How to Honor Your Story Through Journaling

Review completed by Lynn C. Tolson, author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story

Author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story, Lynn C. Tolson was interviewed by Andrea Griggs for National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Andrea hosts the blog talk radio show titled Females With A Mission, and she encourages all women to pursue their dreams and chase after what truly makes them happy. Educating, encouraging, and empowering women makes Lynn Tolson happy, and Andrea provided her with the on-air platform on October 16, 2009.  Andrea says, “Lynn shared her story of how she overcame a life of tragedy only to live and tell of her new life of victory.” Click for more about Females With A Mission and on the link below to hear the interview with Lynn and Andrea.

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As an author and advocate for victims/survivors of domestic violence, I’m bringing attention to the topic during October, which is Domestic Violence Awareness Month.  Not all forms of domestic violence are life-threatening, but domestic abuse can escalate until someone gets hurt.

If a friend says of a mutual friend, “Her husband is abusing her!” do you think of an abused woman with black eyes? Probably, yet domestic abuse may be invisible.

I was twenty-two years old. A friend, Sally, and I were in my apartment. Sally was pinning the waist of my skirt for alterations. We were chatting comfortably.

My husband burst into the apartment. As if I were not in the room, he barked, “She wouldn’t need her clothes mended if she wasn’t such a scrawny broad! She’s a piece of work, isn’t she?”

Sally had not witnessed his verbal tirades before. I was afraid that he would sabotage our friendship.

He mumbled something about “worthless women” and slammed the door on his way out.

What had I done wrong?

Sally spoke softly, “Does he typically speak to you so mean?”

Sally had proven to be a genuine friend, so I confided in her.

“Sally, it’s all right, he talks like that all the time.”

“It’s not all right. He’s abusing you.”

“Sally, no way! He never beat me or broke a bone.”

“Lynn, the way he treats you is awful. Does he hurt you in other ways?”

He’d grab my arm and twist both his hands around it, until I bruised. He’d say, “If you weren’t such a skinny runt, you wouldn’t bruise so easy.” He smacked me and claim it “was just a love tap.”

I divorced him with Sally’s help, but the wounds of emotional abuse are still healing.

The anecdote is a paraphrased excerpt from my memoir Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story. When we put a true story in front of the facts, the experiences of a victim become real.

What is domestic violence?

State laws vary in defining domestic violence but common elements include:

A pattern of abusive behavior when one person uses inappropriate power and control over an intimate partner.

What is emotional abuse?

The emotional abuse pertains to what he said, and how it made me feel.

• He made me feel bad for being a woman.
• He made me feel humiliated by putting me down.

Almost all abusers who are physically violent use emotional abuse. You never know who amongst us is enduring emotional abuse. Help someone who tells you that she or someone she knows is being abused by her partner.

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October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I am examining insidious forms of domestic abuse. What is emotional abuse, and how does it pertain to domestic violence?

Emotional or mental abuse occurs when one partner attempts to make the other feel bad about him/herself. Emotional/mental abuse often crosses lines with psychological abuse. These forms of abuse are destructive to self-esteem and self-confidence. Here is part of my story to illustrate emotional abuse:

When I was nineteen, I was involved with a man eighteen years older than me. Todd and I had nothing in common, yet I did not have the wherewithal to tell him to get lost. I tried to escape him by moving to a different town, but he found me, and he moved into the same apartment complex.

I was friends with a married couple my age, Cathy and Scott. When I tried to release myself from Todd’s grip to spend time with my friends, he demanded that I give him equal time. Todd became possessive because, he said, he loved me. He slammed my door and his door to demonstrate. There had to be a rational explanation for Todd’s conduct.

“He’s just jealous,” Scott said.

“Yeah, he must love you a lot,” Cathy said.

I ached to be loved. So I mistook the outbursts for love.

When Scott and Cathy invited me to have Thanksgiving dinner with them, they said that I could bring Todd if I wanted, but I wanted my friends to myself.

The day before Thanksgiving, Todd degraded my friends. He called Cathy a “pain-in-the-ass broad” and said Scott just “wants a piece.” Todd insisted that I eat at a holiday buffet alone with him. I was afraid of another door-slamming scene, so I declined Cathy’s offer.

As Todd and I walked past their apartment to the car, Cathy cheerfully waved, “Happy Thanksgiving.” Scott commented to me, “You look like a model in that dress. The green matches your eyes.”

Todd gritted his teeth: “I told you so! He just wants to get in your pants.”

Then Todd grabbed my elbow to steer me toward the inside of the sidewalk. “Never walk on the outside. That means you’re for sale.”

Was he a pimp? Was I a prostitute? It seemed like I had sold out something, in some way, but I did not know exactly what it was.

It was impossible to say “no” to Todd. When I tried to be assertive with him, he’d shoot my words back like an errant boomerang until what I thought I said did not sound like what he said I said.

(Paraphrased excerpt above from Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story by Lynn C. Tolson)

The invisible abuse is about what he did and said and how it made me feel:

He used intimidation tactics by making demands and slamming doors, which made me feel fearful. Not only is this immature, it is also an indicator of an abusive personality and of someone who does not have communication skills and/or coping abilities.

He used emotional abuse by disrespecting my desire to be with friends, which made me feel embarrassed. If he has to have the final say, and it is a unilateral decision rather than a mutual agreement, then he is in control.

He used isolation tactics by controlling where I went, which made me feel lonely. He deliberately sabotaged my social relationships. He also made me doubt my choice of friends by disparaging them.

He used psychological abuse by maneuvering my body to the other side of the walkway, which made me feel diminished. He confused me by twisting my words around, playing mind-games with me.

There is no physical violence in these descriptions of domestic abuse, yet I was wounded. Let this article about invisible forms of domestic abuse inform you of how victims are emotionally scarred. If you discover a friend in this position, let him/her know you care, tell her it’s not her fault, listen without judgement, and encourage him/her to get help. If you recognize yourself, don’t stop believing that you deserve to be treated with respect.

This story also appeared in the Citizen’s Report for Colorado Springs, a section of The Gazette

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