“Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story” Lynn C. Tolson blog

The following is a guest blog I wrote for the sexual assault survivor’s blog, “ I Tell My Truth.” Thank you to Megan Fitzwater for the kind introduction, and to the readers for their wonderful comments.

Introduction:

Lynn C. Tolson is an author, an advocate and an amazing woman. There are so many things I could tell you about Lynn, but most of all I’d like to tell you that she has been an encouraging friend in the most troubling times of my journey. When I have doubted myself, she has helped me see that telling my story is not some insignificant thing. She has shown me that love and light abound in this movement of survivors sharing their stories. She’s been a voice that has stood with me since the beginning of my truth-telling journey. I love Lynn because Lynn is a brave and brilliant woman who takes time out of her day to encourage women everywhere with her wonderful words. Here’s a little about Lynn’s WHY:

Who? What? Why? by  Lynn C. Tolson, advocate and author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story

For nearly twenty years, I engaged in careers in retail, real estate and property management. Every working day left me feeling unfulfilled, as if I was living a false life. My real life began not by changing jobs, but by putting pen to paper in journal writing sessions. Themes emerged regarding the impact of my sexual abuse, drug addiction, and suicide attempts. By using the journal to write about the problems and solutions discussed in my counseling sessions, a story of transformation evolved. My desire to share a message of healing from trauma became too strong to ignore; the book became a mission. I left the corporate environment to write my story about personal yet universal emotional issues. Although journal writing was a cathartic experience, the book was written with the courage to face my fears, with compassion for myself and others, and a conviction to tell the truth.

Sexual assault, addiction, and suicide are unsolved social problems that carry stigmas. The stigmas cast a code of silence that do not solve problems. The result from not speaking about the crime of sexual assault is too often tragic. Thus, there is a need for real stories of recovery. By bringing my dark secrets to light, it is my hope that others who have had similar experiences will know that they are not alone. Readers may explore their own emotions to open lines of communication, eliminate shame, and experience healing. I also hope that my book promotes understanding of the issues that cause individual suffering and plague our society.

I am an ordinary citizen with an overwhelming mission: to confront violence against women and children. Given that sexual assault, including incest, is a social problem, my goals are to bring awareness to the public and to be an advocate for the victims. Using my life experience and social work education, I hope to offer information that will improve the quality of life for survivors. Perhaps the future will hold enough social change to reduce the need for real stories of recovery and sites such as Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story. In the meantime, know that my purpose as Lynn C. Tolson is in my initials: LCT, Learning, Creating, Teaching, to provide empowerment of our minds, bodies, and spirits. May this generation break the silence that surrounds sexual assault and incest so that future generations may live in peace.

I started the Project for TEARS: Telling Everyone About Rape & Suicide. This is my mission: to comfort victims by sharing my story, confront violence by breaking the silence, challenge society via information and action. So no shed tear is wasted.

The reason I volunteer as an advocate is because I have been called. The rewards are intangible and immeasurable; they come as surprise gifts when something I wrote resonates with another, such as this message:

Lynn, you are the voice of so many voiceless women who are victims of abuse. I would not be surprised at the high numbers you’ve helped that you’ll never hear from. Sometimes all a person needs is knowing there is someone who understands what they’ve gone through in order to take a step towards ending the abuse. You, dear angel, have a calling and you’ve found it and I hope you never stop reaching out to those who suffer.

What came upon me as evil in the form of abuse I hope to use for good by speaking out. As one heals, so does another…

Comments:

Lori: I agree that Lynn is a “brave and brilliant woman”. She has taken time out to encourage me as a poet and to connect with me on a personal level. I’m currently reading her book in small doses due to a busy schedule. Her writing style and skills are quite commendable; her book is informative as well touching. I’m proud to know her as an advocate, but especially as a fellow survivor and friend. Thanks, Lynn!

Tracie: Lynn is SUCH an encourager! For all the years that I have “known” you Lynn, you have blessed my heart and blessed my life. Thank you for all the work that you do…speaking out powerfully for yourself and for those who have yet to find their own voice. You amaze me!

“Lynn, your book was one of the many books I read when my memories first surfaced. It was an explosion in my life that almost took my life. What got me through was consuming every book I could get my hands on that were written by survivors. These books, your book, helped me feel like I wasn’t crazy and that others felt the same. It was validation and the realization that there were others like me, who understood me, and who experienced what I experienced. I know that books written by survivors are needed in order to decrease the rates of suicide. Working together, spreading the word, and recommending these books so that they get into the hands of the people who need them is critical. A surviving reading a book from another surviving is like reading ones own story and realizing “I’m not alone” and “I’m ok.” Thank you for sharing your story.”

As an author and advocate, it is rewarding to hear that Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story, has reached readers. It makes my mission, the Project for TEARS: Telling Everyone About Rape & Suicide worthwhile.

I’ve been asked to testify on an amendment to a Colorado State bill: clarifying the requirement that certain persons report child abuse or neglect (C.R.S. 19-3-304). This will be personal testimony to help clear up an ambiguous section regarding mandatory reporting.

The main concern is this: Should the law require that a mandatory reporter (such as a therapist) report (the perpetrator) when an individual over age 18 reveals abuse and/or neglect?

I had therapy in my teens, twenties, thirties. It was not until I was 43 that I revealed childhood rape, incest, abuse, neglect, and domestic violence. The focus in my therapy until my forties was to keep me alive (I was suicidal), manage PTSD symptoms, and develop healthy coping strategies. At age 43, in the safe confines of counseling sessions with a therapist I trusted, I revealed the perpetrators, one dead, one living. Talk-therapy helped me to take back the power that incest had held over me. Talking freed me enough to begin to experience healing, not only my mind but also my body. I started to find the self that had been stolen by childhood abuse.

Would I reveal the perpetrators if I knew the therapist had to report them and their activities of 3 decades earlier? Or would the threat of law enforcement and court proceedings intimidate me into keeping the silence? Would my therapist lose focus on my immediate needs as a survivor so she could provide legal documents and attend hearings? In those proceedings, all too often the survivor is re-traumatized in our victim-blaming society. Would I lose my self again in guilt, shame, and blame, instead of proceeding on a healing journey?

In my case, I did reveal to my therapist the perpetrator’s relationship to me, but not his name. He (the perpetrator, my brother) had a child the same age I was when he raped me. I confronted him myself, asking him if he was molesting his daughter. Of course, he said “no.”  He knows he “did something” to me, but he claims he does not remember the details. If he was mindless while “molesting” me, how could he know he had not molested his daughter? He lived in another state, and the conflicts of varying state laws complicated any further action. There was no reasonable evidence that demanded reporting. I’d be caught in an interstate war of “he said, she said” and a battle of wits and memory. If I had proof that crimes against a minor were being committed, I would have fought for the safety of others.

This is my individual case, my dilemma, my question of moral duty. My therapist did focus on my healing. I am alive today, busy as an author and advocate. There is so much work to be done in the laws regarding sexual violence.

I’ll testify on behalf of all those victims who do not feel safe enough until adulthood to tell their painful truths. Would you tell if you thought your therapist was forced to report? (rhetorical questions).

Lynn C. Tolson, advocate, Project for TEARS: Telling Everyone About Rape & Suicide

A Private Family Matter by Victor Rivas Rivers

How does a child survive his boyhood with a father who delivers endless emotional, verbal, and physical torture?

This is what the reader learns from Victor Rivas. Born in Cuba, his family immigrated to America before Castro’s rule. Yet Victor did not escape the sadistic dictatorship of his own father. The torture that the father inflicted upon his family is difficult for a reader to process, yet it brings awareness to the tough topic of domestic violence.

The reader learns of a frustrating social system that denied resources to the most vulnerable victims: women and children. When Victor’s mother visits a police station to tell of the abuse she was experiencing, she was told that there was nothing they could do. They told her to call the next time he was beating her! When Victor ran to the police station to show his bruised pubescent body to the officers, they told him there was nothing they could do because it was “a private family matter.”

Victor’s father ruined everything, and stole his son’s right to self-determination. After witnessing abuse upon his mother, his brothers, and his pets, as well as enduring the vicious assaults from his father, Victor runs away from his house-of-horrors. He was safer sleeping in a cemetery. Naturally, he becomes a hostile, hopeless adolescent.

Yet Victor was rescued by seven families, teachers, and coaches. He spent the last years of high school learning to give and receive love. He became an athlete, actor, and advocate.

A review of 300-400 words cannot possibly convey the poignancy of this story. It is well-written, with a sprinkling of enjoyable observations, such as an anecdote about acclimating to Miami in August, and the bug life “spawned by the moisture.” Victor Rivas Rivers also shares his survival lessons as he pushes through his tough assignment.

As an author of a memoir with the same topics, I can identify with the ironic twists and turns of the home-site battlefield, as well as the universal themes of triump over tragedy. As an advocate, I would recommend this book as “a must read” for breaking the silence and cycles of violence and challenging society to promote peace in our homes.

Angela(L) Lynn(R)

Poem written by Lynn C. Tolson as a tribute to Angela Shelton, documentary filmaker of Searching for Angela Shelton

Our stories were similar right from the start,

With fathers and brothers who ripped us apart.

Years are between us yet we are no different,

From child abuse, our emotions run rampant.

I’m too shy for words, and as old as her mother.

She’s young as my daughter, yet inspires like no other.

I wasted my life on drugs in self-blame,

Trying to run from the fear and the pain.

I kept my secrets in journals and books,

I wrote my story, but dared no one to look.

Angela took to the roads in search of her name;

She learned of others who felt just the same!

She knows what to say, she’s heard the truth,

From boys and girls, from aged and youth.

She pilots a mission and abused come on board,

There’s healing for one, one-million, and more.

She’s daring and caring and wise beyond years,

She’ll listen, she’ll answer, then she will share.

She travels and speaks, she won’t let you down,

In cities, at college, in every small town.

Her movement and mission gave momentum to mine,

My memoir was shelved, she said, “Go, Lynn, it’s time.”

She’s fun and she’s funny, outspoken, outrageous,

She is so brave, she makes me courageous.

She’s no victim, no stranger, no secret survivor,

She’s our hero, our shero, my sister, as thriver.

Tolson/Beyond the Tears recommends RAINN ing TEARS

RAINN Rape, Abuse, Incest, National Network

What is RAINN? See videos at the site

The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network is the nation’s largest anti-sexual assault organization. RAINN operates the National Sexual Assault Hotline and carries out programs to prevent sexual assault, help victims and ensure that rapists are brought to justice.

RAINN offers online hotline 1.800.656.HOPE

safe, secure, free, confidential 24/7

Trauma Survivors and Supporters of Survivors of Trauma are invited to share art, music, writing, poetry and other creative forms at the

Healing Through Creativity Festival

When:  October 17-24 2009

Where:  Heart of Virginia Foundation Center for Integrated Arts

Grandin Gardens, 1731 Grandin Rd,

Roanoke, Virginia

Free Art Event for Survivors of Trauma including

• Loss
• Rape
• Grief
• Crime
• Illness
• Disability
• Accidents
• War Trauma
• Sexual Abuse
• Domestic Violence

“Footsteps in the Dark”

Mommy says Angel it’s time for bed,

put on your nightgown, and lay down your head.

I’ll finish these dishes, and come tuck you in,

I’ll read you the story of The Fish’s Pink Fins.

I ran up to my bedroom where my dollies live,

put on my nighty, and to each a hug I’d give.

I hear Mommy coming to say her goodnight,

after she reads me a story she’ll turn out my light.

I shudder to think about being left all alone,

I wish I were a little frog that could hide under a stone.

I hear Mommy and her boyfriend talking real loud,

I hope they aren’t fighting about ‘three’s a crowd.’

Finally it’s still, they must be asleep,

I’ve been such a good girl and never uttered a peep.

Thats when I hear his footsteps in the dark,

he enters my room, on my bed he does park.

He tells me to be quiet, that I’m his little dove,

I feel his hands on my body, he says it’s making love.

I remember to this day, the pain, and the sensation,

my childhood stolen, the feeling of degradation.

This offensive behavior went on for years,

until finally at eighteen, I left home in tears.

Why didn’t she save me, instead of turn a blind eye,

I will never forget, or forgive her, until the day I die…

____________________________________________________________

fictional poem by Charleen (Chatty) Micheles: editor, ghostwriter/author

Thank you, Chatty, for submitting this poem to TEARS on behalf of all children who have been abused.