“Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story” Lynn C. Tolson blog

Review of To Be Told: Know Your Story, Shape Your Future by Dan B. Allender

Dan B. Allender, Ph.D, is a professor of counseling, a therapist, and a public speaker, seminar leader, and a “reflection and recovery” retreat facilitator. He is also associated with the Mars Hill Graduate School, in Seattle, Washington.

Dr. Allender writes with the premise of the reader’s belief in God. He uses Bible versus to reinforce a point, such as: “You meant evil against me, but God meant it for good.”

To Be Told is constructed in four parts: Your Name and Your Story; Reading Your Story; Writing Your Story; and Multiplying Your Story. One of the themes throughout each part is that of authoring your own life with the guidance of God. Dr. Allender says that God is not only your Authority, but also your Author. Another theme is that your story must be told to offer you insight, as well as to provide enlightenment for others. Allender says, “We are to read our past to gain a greater sense of how to write our life in the present.”

To Be Told is a thought-provoking book that is also a call to personal action. While reading the concepts in To Be Told, it’s difficult to not answer the questions Allender asks, including “Facing the Tragedy That Shapes You.” Allender encourages the reader/writer to be an authentic source of one’s own story. He shares his story so that the reader feels comfortable revealing his/her truth, rather than relying on the influences of others. Allender is adamant about refusing others the ability to state your past and shape your present.

At the end of each chapter, there are questions that help the reader/writer explore specifics of his/her story. (There is a To Be Told companion workbook.) Be prepared to dig deep inside to determine your life’s theme and your calling. Dr. Allender says, “We don’t find our calling; it finds us.”

This book is good for those who want to write their story, regardless of the aim to publish. It’s recommended as a tool for personal and spiritual growth.

Review completed by Lynn C. Tolson, author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story

Extremely Real and Vulnerably Raw

I just finished Lynn’s [Tolson] book this past weekend. I found it extremely real, honest and vulnerable. I am a Childhood Sexual Trauma survivor and I now lead support groups for women who have been sexually abused. I plan to recommend Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story as a “must read” because she [Tolson] does not hold back from allowing the reader to see the depths of her struggles as well as the immense shame and guilt that all survivors wind up carrying with them into their relationships, and careers, which ultimately becomes the victim’s identity.

This book gives a voice to those who feel hopeless due to their abuse and it validates those living with fear which winds up becoming a type of invisible prison. Through it all she goes from victim to survivor and eventually to thriver. Lynn’s journey helps make one realize it is possible to find freedom and more than a will to live, but to discover one’s passion and begin a new road that goes beyond recovery and healing to accomplishment. (Marijo, Cincinnati, OH)

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Review of It Happens Every Day: Inside the World of a Sex Crimes D. A. by Robin Sax

Robin Sax is an expert on sex crimes against children. She was a Los Angeles County Deputy District Attorney who prosecuted offenders for the child sexual assault division. As an attorney and advocate for victims’ rights, she appears to be as passionate about her work as she is knowledgeable.

Sax says she wrote the book to illustrate what transpires when a district attorney prosecutes a child sexual assault case. Using a no-nonsense style of writing, Sax shows the reader how the criminal justice system works, or does not work, for its victims. She incorporates case studies as well as descriptions of crime scenes and victim statements to get her main point across: “child sexual assault has become a social epidemic.”

The book is divided into two parts, “Behind the One-Way Mirror” and “Behind Counsel Table.” Sax shows ways in which cases are investigated, how children are treated through the process, and what happens when a perpetrator is convicted. The reader learns about the justice system without the sensationalism of TV court drama. Sax provides an extensive appendix, separates fact from fiction, and offers her expert opinions.

Whether or not a victim pursues a criminal charge against a perpetrator, this is what Robin Sax knows for sure: sex crimes “will affect the victim’s outlook on life, decisions, and relationships for the rest of his or her life.”

Any advocate, expert, and concerned citizen should read this book to help protect children and raise awareness because 93% of victims know their attackers.

Review of Escaping the Glass Cage: A Story of Survival and Empowerment from Domestic Violence by Kathleen M. Schmidt

The author of Escaping the Glass Cage, Kathleen M. Schmidt, has survived domestic violence that was literally a life-and-death experience. She has not only survived, but has thrived as an author and advocate, wife and mother. It’s hard to realize how close Ms. Schmidt came to either ending her life, or having it end by the hands of her (ex) husband.

Escaping the Glass Cage is a short book with a big message. Domestic abuse is rampant in our society. It is estimated that one in three women will experience some form of abuse in her lifetime. People often ask, “Why doesn’t she leave?” when the question could be, “Why didn’t he stop?” Most likely than not, the abuse stops only if/when she leaves. Kathleen provides the reader with her account of how she planned her escape from the verbal and physical abuse she endured on a daily basis.

Kathleen generously shares her story of hope, but it wasn’t easy for her to achieve balance in her life. She made conscious choices to heal, using methods that enlightened and empowered her. She writes in a concise and chronological style, offering just enough information for the reader to absorb as she is able. (Women in crisis are often unable to concentrate.)

Kathleen hosts a blog-talk radio show that brings awareness to the social problem of domestic violence (and other problems) with a focus on solving these problems one empowered woman at a time.

I found Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story by Lynn C. Tolson difficult to put down.  I read it in three nights because the subject material required time-offs for my mind to absorb everything that was written.  People who have never been abused can’t realize how the different types of abuse can maim a person.  In Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story the reader is pulled from one emotional crisis into a sordid world of emotional, physical and mental abuse.  It didn’t seem so at the time, but the protagonist suffered greatly from her parents, brother, husband and relatives lack of understanding on treating the narrator as a piece of filth or something to throw away once done with it.

Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story is provocative and compelling.  It’s not a book to read lightly, but a book to spend time with so that you can identify with the narrator and feel the abusive battery that she survives.  I give Beyond the Tears a 5 star rating. If I could give Ms. Lynn Tolson a 10 star rating, I would have done so.  It’s a must-read for anyone who’s been involved with abusive behavior.

Review completed by Lillian Cauldwell, CEO, Passionate Internet Voices Talk Radio “Voices of the People, United We Roar”

***** A Must Read on Sexual Abuse, Domestic Violence & Suicide!

Reading Lynn C. Tolson’s memoir Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story, and feeling the relentless deluge of misfortune is like traveling through a desert thunderstorm. In the book, as in the desert, the sun comes out at the end and hope reigns.

Author Tolson draws you into her world on the first page with clear setting details of the outer storm and candid inner monologue of the despair that urges her to end her life. As readers experience Lynn’s desperate plight, two questions emerge: 1. Will she pull herself out of deep depression? and 2. What in her experience of life brought her to this desperate situation?

In subsequent chapters I felt as though I was struggling through perils with Lynn. I experienced the shock and shame of recalling incestuous acts, the guilt of addictions and the empty sense of self that couldn’t walk away from a destructive and violent partner.

Lynn aptly shows readers the slow steady process of recovery of a positive sense of self and an empowered definition of personhood. She doesn’t tread lightly on her shortcomings or on the abusive family relationships that ate away at her self respect. With keenly honed writing the author carries the reader with her up the arduous route to recovery. In the end, we feel her hope and her reclaimed and empowered sense of self.

As one who grew up in an incestuous situation, I highly recommend Beyond the Tears to other survivors and their supporters. Partners of survivors can gain insights that will benefit their relationships. Lynn’s narrative account of recovery can reveal to therapists information that their clients may resist sharing. Student’s training to counsel sexual abuse survivors can see in advance the challenges they may encounter. Families of survivors benefit from reading a first person account of the difficulties a victim faces.

Individuals who are not personally acquainted with a survivor will glean valuable insights to the long term consequences and costs of childhood sexual abuse. In our society that has nurtured a taboo of silence on the subject for centuries; we diminish the pain and angst of innocent victims. We fail to recognize the physical and mental manifestations of sexual victims. Authors’ like Ms. Tolson help us to take a realistic look at what our culture is promoting by not speaking candidly about sexual violence. Review completed by Joyce Aubrey, founder of Finding Our Voices Art

Lynn Tolson (r) w/ Sue Silverman (l)

Fearless Confessions: A Writer’s Guide to Memoir by Sue William Silverman (review completed by Lynn C. Tolson)

Sue Silverman was my role model for memoir because she had dared to write about issues usually silenced in our society.  Then, I had the pleasure of meeting her at Vermont College of Fine Arts, post-graduate writer’s conference, where she was faculty/advisor. She taught the group metaphor, voice, and technique, and encouraged expression from the writer within each individual. Sue urged us toward Fearless Confessions, an apt title for the Writer’s Guide to Memoir. Despite my notes from the conference, and hand-outs from Sue, I wished I had a “go-to” guide at my fingertips. Sue has made such a guide available in Fearless Confessions.

The book contains chapters that have writing exercises and inserts with tips. Sue also arranged for appropriate articles by other authors, which exemplify what Sue is conveying in the body of the chapter. Sue generously offers examples of her own. I was especially moved by her revealing essay The Pat Boone Fan Club. That is what a memoirist does: revealing life matter that one thinks is individual, yet the emotions are universal. Some confessional memoirs put into words what others are thinking, but are afraid to say aloud. Sue dares us to dig deep and write down, such as with an exercise that asks the reader to “Write a short paragraph about a secret you’ve never told anyone, except maybe a therapist.”

Sue explains the craft of writing, and elements such as “the voice of innocence” and “the voice of experience” She leads us to websites, books, marketing opportunities, and publishing options. (note of disclosure: Sue used my essay From Process to Product: Using Print-on-Demand to Publish in Appendix two).

I eagerly awaited Fearless Confessions because I wanted to hold Sue Silverman’s knowledge and ability in the palm of my hand. Sue packs more in 237 pages than I ever expected. If you want to write a memoir, let Sue’s “go-to” guide you to write it right.