“Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story” Lynn C. Tolson blog

Review of Crazy Love by Leslie Morgan Steiner

Leslie Morgan Steiner, a Harvard graduate with a coveted position at Seventeen magazine and a hip apartment in downtown New York City, seemed to have it all. She had already achieved sobriety, after determining she did not want to follow in her mother’s alcoholic lifestyle. Her father distanced himself from the family by immersing himself in his career. In her early twenties, Leslie had youth and independence to encourage romance. The handsome and charming Conor showed up at the right time.

Had Leslie been aware of the behaviors of a potentially abusive man, she might have realized that all that he said and did were manipulations based to suit his needs. He was in it for himself. But she fell in love. She wanted to “help him overcome the years of abuse and neglect and pain…And if I could make him whole, we’d be one person. He’d be mine forever.” The foundation for relationship was faulty; it would require insight and experience to recognize the potential for collapse.

The reader learns the signs of an abuser, at first subtle, such as snide remarks about friends, and then covert, such as demanding forfeiture of her career. Leslie cannot make a decision without mentally challenging herself first, asking, “What will Conor think?” or “How will Conor react?” The problem is, he is so unpredictable, she can never anticipate his reaction.

Woven throughout this story is a dog that Conor insisted on having, yet Leslie was reluctant to acquire. Leslie nonetheless became attached to the dog. It was interesting to read the details of the dog’s behavior during the dynamics of the relationship.

The reader learns of unexpected betrayals during Leslie’s most difficult times, as well as a surprise redemption. Also, the reader learns how hard it is to live with abuse, to survive the physical and emotional wounds, to leave, to get restraining orders, make impossible choices, to move out, to move on. This book was well-written, incorporating information, insight, and depth of characters. We ask, “Why didn’t she leave?” and Leslie Morgan Steiner tells us. We might ask, “Why didn’t he stop?” Too often, he can’t.

This book reads like a psychological thriller, yet it is true life, and is only one of thousands of stories like it. Read it to know that someone you know may be at risk.

Review of I Closed My Eyes: Revelations of A Battered Woman (Rebuilding Life After Domestic Violence) by Michele Weldon

The author writes in the preface, “I can pray someday I will understand why he did what he did.” A decade after the publication of her book, Ms. Weldon may know that she may never make sense of the insanity that caused her husband to nearly kill her.

Michele Weldon is an award-winning journalist, and her skills as a writer are demonstrated in this true-story about domestic violence. The book is divided into three parts. With each part, Michele inserts private notes and cards her husband wrote to her, each “love letter” meant to be endearing, carefully crafted with all the right words, but somehow lacking in sincerity.

Part One: Getting There, explores an enviable childhood and optimistic young adulthood. In her childhood, she takes us to an ice-cream shop. Michele falls in love, and with few warning signs of an abusive personality, she is married to a man who is enraged and disengaged. In a subsequent chapter, she takes the reader to a pawn shop. The reader gets the disconnect, and how denial serves for survival.

Part Two: Getting Out, explains how scary it is to stay in an abusive marriage, and how scary it is to leave. Although Michele has multiple support systems, it appears that these do not make the emotional aspects of divorcing a sabotaging tyrant any easier. He continues to batter her psychologically, often using their children as a weapon. Throughout part two, Michele writes about crying on a continuum; crying is a measure of healing and hope. The thread of tears is worth reading again.

Part Three: Getting Better, offers gem-filled vignettes, such as an exploration of color, hands, growth, grief, sorrow, joy, celebrations. Michele writes about healing, how it feels and how it sounds “I was no longer spending my nights dreading his key turning in the lock.”

This isn’t only a story about domestic violence. It is also a book about an empowered woman, separate from a man who possessed her, as she reclaimed her true self.

Michele Weldon is the author of Everyman News: The Changing American Front Page and Writing to Save Your Life: How to Honor Your Story Through Journaling

Review completed by Lynn C. Tolson, author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story

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Excerpt paraphrased from Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story

Not long after the marriage ceremony, my new husband, Todd, wanted to buy land in Chandler, Arizona. He said we could get rich quick on the land while living cheap in a trailer. I was only twenty-one, and I objected to moving out of Tempe, away from my Arizona State University campus friends. Todd threw fits, until it seemed easier to comply with his wishes than to confront his temper. So we moved deep into the desert, past the dairy farm and the rodeo arena, where the alfalfa fields were newly zoned for mobile homes.

It was too far to commute to classes, so I withdrew. My best friends from campus, Scott and Cathy, telephoned to say they wanted to visit. I made excuses: “It’s not a good day. Todd worked later than usual last night. He’s still sleeping.” “It’s not a good time. I have to go to the doctor.” “It’s not a good year. I am very, very busy.” I was not avoiding seeing them; I was avoiding them seeing me.

A year went by. I did not return to college. I had not seen my friends. One afternoon Cathy called and insisted on visiting. Despite my excuses, they were not about to let a desert monsoon keep them away. Scott and Cathy pulled up while a dust storm was developing. As I stood outside, hollering “hello” above the noise of the rattling aluminum awning, a gust of wind literally blew me down.

“Lynn, you’re as thin as a reed!” The wind flipped my shorts like a sail, revealing the bruises on my thigh.

Scott asked, “Are you all right?”

“I’m all right,” I lied.

We made small talk while watching dust devils that looked like tiny tornadoes flitting across the terra firma. Cathy and Scott were saying goodbye. “We’re moving to Utah. We’ll write.” As Cathy moved toward me, I stepped back, resisting her outstretched arms because my body experienced pain with an embrace. Todd had swatted me often enough that my body no longer recognized the difference between a hard hit and a warm hug. I had lost contact with my friends; I could not confide in them. There was nothing left to say.

“Lynn, you take care of yourself, okay?”

“Yeah, sure.” I was sure that another friendship bit the dust.

I’d already been isolated from support systems when I married him, and that made it easier for him to marry me. (That’s another story.) The point of this article is isolation by the abuser in a relationship or as the relationship is developing so he can assert and sustain control. You might consider this theme as you are dating again in mid-life, or when your children are dating.

The isolation may seem benign at first: He may make snide remarks about her family, but say he was only joking. In second, third marriages, when a potential abuser wants to possess her, he may deride her children from a previous marriage. The isolation escalates when he suggests or insists that she work from home, or not at all. She loses contact with her co-workers. He may initiate arguments with her choice of religion; no faith pleases him, and he refuses to let her worship at church without him. She becomes completely dependent on him for a world view. His perspective infiltrates her perspective until her opinion of herself is diminished to reflect only his opinion; his reality becomes her reality. He lets her know she is useless, helpless, worthless, and nothing without him. She loses her self to him, her insight, intuition, and instinct. He owns her. Just one year later, the question is, “Who am I? How did this happen?”

If you are dating again, or if you have a daughter, niece or friend on the dating scene, these are just a few of the signs of isolation to be wary of.

• She rarely goes out without her partner
• He unilaterally controls every aspect of a date
• She is restricted from seeing family and friends
• He controls who they see, when, where, and for how long

Showing support for someone you suspect might be manipulated into isolation by an abuser may even save a life. Use your knowledge as power, and you don’t want anyone to take your power from you! No amount of false romance is worth losing your authentic self.

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Author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story, Lynn C. Tolson was interviewed by Andrea Griggs for National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Andrea hosts the blog talk radio show titled Females With A Mission, and she encourages all women to pursue their dreams and chase after what truly makes them happy. Educating, encouraging, and empowering women makes Lynn Tolson happy, and Andrea provided her with the on-air platform on October 16, 2009.  Andrea says, “Lynn shared her story of how she overcame a life of tragedy only to live and tell of her new life of victory.” Click for more about Females With A Mission and on the link below to hear the interview with Lynn and Andrea.

Blog talk radio interviews hosted by Mary Eileen Williams on Feisty Side of Fifty

We’re celebrating baby boomer women fifty and better! Interviews with women who are changing lives, making a difference, and totally transforming the spirit and style of aging. If you’re tired of “over the hill” be sure to check out the latest in “celebrating your peak” gifts and attire at the Feisty Boomer Boutique You know you’re feisty so go ahead and flaunt it!

Interview with Lynn C. Tolson, author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story. October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Join Lynn as she defines domestic violence, the characteristics of victims/offenders, and the subtle signs. Women in mid-life are re-defining their boundaries, refusing to accept any form of domestic abuse. Don’t miss this powerful show!

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As an author and advocate for victims/survivors of domestic violence, I’m bringing attention to the topic during October, which is Domestic Violence Awareness Month.  Not all forms of domestic violence are life-threatening, but domestic abuse can escalate until someone gets hurt.

If a friend says of a mutual friend, “Her husband is abusing her!” do you think of an abused woman with black eyes? Probably, yet domestic abuse may be invisible.

I was twenty-two years old. A friend, Sally, and I were in my apartment. Sally was pinning the waist of my skirt for alterations. We were chatting comfortably.

My husband burst into the apartment. As if I were not in the room, he barked, “She wouldn’t need her clothes mended if she wasn’t such a scrawny broad! She’s a piece of work, isn’t she?”

Sally had not witnessed his verbal tirades before. I was afraid that he would sabotage our friendship.

He mumbled something about “worthless women” and slammed the door on his way out.

What had I done wrong?

Sally spoke softly, “Does he typically speak to you so mean?”

Sally had proven to be a genuine friend, so I confided in her.

“Sally, it’s all right, he talks like that all the time.”

“It’s not all right. He’s abusing you.”

“Sally, no way! He never beat me or broke a bone.”

“Lynn, the way he treats you is awful. Does he hurt you in other ways?”

He’d grab my arm and twist both his hands around it, until I bruised. He’d say, “If you weren’t such a skinny runt, you wouldn’t bruise so easy.” He smacked me and claim it “was just a love tap.”

I divorced him with Sally’s help, but the wounds of emotional abuse are still healing.

The anecdote is a paraphrased excerpt from my memoir Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story. When we put a true story in front of the facts, the experiences of a victim become real.

What is domestic violence?

State laws vary in defining domestic violence but common elements include:

A pattern of abusive behavior when one person uses inappropriate power and control over an intimate partner.

What is emotional abuse?

The emotional abuse pertains to what he said, and how it made me feel.

• He made me feel bad for being a woman.
• He made me feel humiliated by putting me down.

Almost all abusers who are physically violent use emotional abuse. You never know who amongst us is enduring emotional abuse. Help someone who tells you that she or someone she knows is being abused by her partner.

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October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I am examining insidious forms of domestic abuse. What is emotional abuse, and how does it pertain to domestic violence?

Emotional or mental abuse occurs when one partner attempts to make the other feel bad about him/herself. Emotional/mental abuse often crosses lines with psychological abuse. These forms of abuse are destructive to self-esteem and self-confidence. Here is part of my story to illustrate emotional abuse:

When I was nineteen, I was involved with a man eighteen years older than me. Todd and I had nothing in common, yet I did not have the wherewithal to tell him to get lost. I tried to escape him by moving to a different town, but he found me, and he moved into the same apartment complex.

I was friends with a married couple my age, Cathy and Scott. When I tried to release myself from Todd’s grip to spend time with my friends, he demanded that I give him equal time. Todd became possessive because, he said, he loved me. He slammed my door and his door to demonstrate. There had to be a rational explanation for Todd’s conduct.

“He’s just jealous,” Scott said.

“Yeah, he must love you a lot,” Cathy said.

I ached to be loved. So I mistook the outbursts for love.

When Scott and Cathy invited me to have Thanksgiving dinner with them, they said that I could bring Todd if I wanted, but I wanted my friends to myself.

The day before Thanksgiving, Todd degraded my friends. He called Cathy a “pain-in-the-ass broad” and said Scott just “wants a piece.” Todd insisted that I eat at a holiday buffet alone with him. I was afraid of another door-slamming scene, so I declined Cathy’s offer.

As Todd and I walked past their apartment to the car, Cathy cheerfully waved, “Happy Thanksgiving.” Scott commented to me, “You look like a model in that dress. The green matches your eyes.”

Todd gritted his teeth: “I told you so! He just wants to get in your pants.”

Then Todd grabbed my elbow to steer me toward the inside of the sidewalk. “Never walk on the outside. That means you’re for sale.”

Was he a pimp? Was I a prostitute? It seemed like I had sold out something, in some way, but I did not know exactly what it was.

It was impossible to say “no” to Todd. When I tried to be assertive with him, he’d shoot my words back like an errant boomerang until what I thought I said did not sound like what he said I said.

(Paraphrased excerpt above from Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story by Lynn C. Tolson)

The invisible abuse is about what he did and said and how it made me feel:

He used intimidation tactics by making demands and slamming doors, which made me feel fearful. Not only is this immature, it is also an indicator of an abusive personality and of someone who does not have communication skills and/or coping abilities.

He used emotional abuse by disrespecting my desire to be with friends, which made me feel embarrassed. If he has to have the final say, and it is a unilateral decision rather than a mutual agreement, then he is in control.

He used isolation tactics by controlling where I went, which made me feel lonely. He deliberately sabotaged my social relationships. He also made me doubt my choice of friends by disparaging them.

He used psychological abuse by maneuvering my body to the other side of the walkway, which made me feel diminished. He confused me by twisting my words around, playing mind-games with me.

There is no physical violence in these descriptions of domestic abuse, yet I was wounded. Let this article about invisible forms of domestic abuse inform you of how victims are emotionally scarred. If you discover a friend in this position, let him/her know you care, tell her it’s not her fault, listen without judgement, and encourage him/her to get help. If you recognize yourself, don’t stop believing that you deserve to be treated with respect.

This story also appeared in the Citizen’s Report for Colorado Springs, a section of The Gazette

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Review of Whose Face is in the Mirror: The Story of One Woman’s Journey from the Nightmare of Domestic Abuse to True Healing by Dianne Schwartz

Whose Face is in the Mirror was one of the first books I read on the topic of domestic violence. Since I am an author of a similar memoir, Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story, Whose Face is in the Mirror was recommended to me by a professor of social work who had heard Dianne Schwartz speak. At the time of my initial reading, in 2001, the book seemed to be one of a small number of real-life stories of recovery from abuse. It is a heart-wrenching story about domestic violence, and equally important is its heart-warming message of hope.

The book is divided into three parts. In Part I, Dianne shares the abuse she endured from her husband (at the time). She tells the story so that other victims realize they are not alone. Part II covers Dianne’s journey to healing through therapy. She reveals the lessons she learned from her therapist. Her insights help others understand the causes and effects of domestic abuse. Schwartz also admits mistakes she made as a mother, as she reflects on how domestic abuse affects children. In Part III, Dianne explains the ongoing process of a healing journey. She encourages readers to find a mission based not on ego and pride, but on love and compassion.

While reading this book, you will see how domestic abuse emerges and escalates. You may also realize that the reasons for staying in an abusive relationship are perhaps excuses that prevent change. Dianne reveals the advice that did not work (such as pray, fast, and submit). Then, she tells how she left her abusive husband, and what she did to reclaim her identity. She explains how the use of bright, feminine colors helped her to define herself authentically, and not as an appendage of an abusive man. In chapter 18, “Lies and Truths”, Ms. Schwartz explains the stereo-types and myths that keeps us trapped in toxic relationships, and how to improve our perspective.

Whose Face is in the Mirror is a memoir about domestic violence that is not graphic, dramatic, or sensationalized. We might expect a former Mrs. Arizona, Dianne Schwartz, to write about her glamorous life of a celebrity. Instead, we learn of a generous survivor of domestic violence who founded an organization to educate on the topic: Educating Against Domestic Violence