“Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story” Lynn C. Tolson blog

Review of To Be Told: Know Your Story, Shape Your Future by Dan B. Allender

Dan B. Allender, Ph.D, is a professor of counseling, a therapist, and a public speaker, seminar leader, and a “reflection and recovery” retreat facilitator. He is also associated with the Mars Hill Graduate School, in Seattle, Washington.

Dr. Allender writes with the premise of the reader’s belief in God. He uses Bible versus to reinforce a point, such as: “You meant evil against me, but God meant it for good.”

To Be Told is constructed in four parts: Your Name and Your Story; Reading Your Story; Writing Your Story; and Multiplying Your Story. One of the themes throughout each part is that of authoring your own life with the guidance of God. Dr. Allender says that God is not only your Authority, but also your Author. Another theme is that your story must be told to offer you insight, as well as to provide enlightenment for others. Allender says, “We are to read our past to gain a greater sense of how to write our life in the present.”

To Be Told is a thought-provoking book that is also a call to personal action. While reading the concepts in To Be Told, it’s difficult to not answer the questions Allender asks, including “Facing the Tragedy That Shapes You.” Allender encourages the reader/writer to be an authentic source of one’s own story. He shares his story so that the reader feels comfortable revealing his/her truth, rather than relying on the influences of others. Allender is adamant about refusing others the ability to state your past and shape your present.

At the end of each chapter, there are questions that help the reader/writer explore specifics of his/her story. (There is a To Be Told companion workbook.) Be prepared to dig deep inside to determine your life’s theme and your calling. Dr. Allender says, “We don’t find our calling; it finds us.”

This book is good for those who want to write their story, regardless of the aim to publish. It’s recommended as a tool for personal and spiritual growth.

Review completed by Lynn C. Tolson, author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story

Review of It Happens Every Day: Inside the World of a Sex Crimes D. A. by Robin Sax

Robin Sax is an expert on sex crimes against children. She was a Los Angeles County Deputy District Attorney who prosecuted offenders for the child sexual assault division. As an attorney and advocate for victims’ rights, she appears to be as passionate about her work as she is knowledgeable.

Sax says she wrote the book to illustrate what transpires when a district attorney prosecutes a child sexual assault case. Using a no-nonsense style of writing, Sax shows the reader how the criminal justice system works, or does not work, for its victims. She incorporates case studies as well as descriptions of crime scenes and victim statements to get her main point across: “child sexual assault has become a social epidemic.”

The book is divided into two parts, “Behind the One-Way Mirror” and “Behind Counsel Table.” Sax shows ways in which cases are investigated, how children are treated through the process, and what happens when a perpetrator is convicted. The reader learns about the justice system without the sensationalism of TV court drama. Sax provides an extensive appendix, separates fact from fiction, and offers her expert opinions.

Whether or not a victim pursues a criminal charge against a perpetrator, this is what Robin Sax knows for sure: sex crimes “will affect the victim’s outlook on life, decisions, and relationships for the rest of his or her life.”

Any advocate, expert, and concerned citizen should read this book to help protect children and raise awareness because 93% of victims know their attackers.

Review of Escaping the Glass Cage: A Story of Survival and Empowerment from Domestic Violence by Kathleen M. Schmidt

The author of Escaping the Glass Cage, Kathleen M. Schmidt, has survived domestic violence that was literally a life-and-death experience. She has not only survived, but has thrived as an author and advocate, wife and mother. It’s hard to realize how close Ms. Schmidt came to either ending her life, or having it end by the hands of her (ex) husband.

Escaping the Glass Cage is a short book with a big message. Domestic abuse is rampant in our society. It is estimated that one in three women will experience some form of abuse in her lifetime. People often ask, “Why doesn’t she leave?” when the question could be, “Why didn’t he stop?” Most likely than not, the abuse stops only if/when she leaves. Kathleen provides the reader with her account of how she planned her escape from the verbal and physical abuse she endured on a daily basis.

Kathleen generously shares her story of hope, but it wasn’t easy for her to achieve balance in her life. She made conscious choices to heal, using methods that enlightened and empowered her. She writes in a concise and chronological style, offering just enough information for the reader to absorb as she is able. (Women in crisis are often unable to concentrate.)

Kathleen hosts a blog-talk radio show that brings awareness to the social problem of domestic violence (and other problems) with a focus on solving these problems one empowered woman at a time.

A Private Family Matter by Victor Rivas Rivers

How does a child survive his boyhood with a father who delivers endless emotional, verbal, and physical torture?

This is what the reader learns from Victor Rivas. Born in Cuba, his family immigrated to America before Castro’s rule. Yet Victor did not escape the sadistic dictatorship of his own father. The torture that the father inflicted upon his family is difficult for a reader to process, yet it brings awareness to the tough topic of domestic violence.

The reader learns of a frustrating social system that denied resources to the most vulnerable victims: women and children. When Victor’s mother visits a police station to tell of the abuse she was experiencing, she was told that there was nothing they could do. They told her to call the next time he was beating her! When Victor ran to the police station to show his bruised pubescent body to the officers, they told him there was nothing they could do because it was “a private family matter.”

Victor’s father ruined everything, and stole his son’s right to self-determination. After witnessing abuse upon his mother, his brothers, and his pets, as well as enduring the vicious assaults from his father, Victor runs away from his house-of-horrors. He was safer sleeping in a cemetery. Naturally, he becomes a hostile, hopeless adolescent.

Yet Victor was rescued by seven families, teachers, and coaches. He spent the last years of high school learning to give and receive love. He became an athlete, actor, and advocate.

A review of 300-400 words cannot possibly convey the poignancy of this story. It is well-written, with a sprinkling of enjoyable observations, such as an anecdote about acclimating to Miami in August, and the bug life “spawned by the moisture.” Victor Rivas Rivers also shares his survival lessons as he pushes through his tough assignment.

As an author of a memoir with the same topics, I can identify with the ironic twists and turns of the home-site battlefield, as well as the universal themes of triump over tragedy. As an advocate, I would recommend this book as “a must read” for breaking the silence and cycles of violence and challenging society to promote peace in our homes.

Review of “The Girl I Left Behind: A Narrative History of the Sixties” by Judith Nies.

What was it like for a working woman in the Sixties?

Judith Nies focuses on the sixties for both her personal and professional lives. After earning a graduate degree in 1962, Ms. Nies could not find a job. Social norms dictated that women’s roles were limited to wife and mother. Nies writes: “A successful college woman of the era was supposed to have an engagement ring on her finger by the end of her senior year.” Campus recruiters encouraged her to take a job as a receptionist or customer service rep.

Nies’ husband, Mac, was an economist working at the Treasury Department in Washington, D.C. When he’s called into the office of security agents, he is shown a file compiled by the FBI that pertains to Judith. Mac explains to his wife that it was customary for family members to be included in a security clearance. Judith was still in her twenties. What could possibly concern the FBI? Thus begins the weaving of professional with personal, and the stretch and strength that led to this memoir.

Judith gets a job as an aide to ten Congressmen. Her job is considered “the most interesting job in Washington.” Nies is faced with hostile work environments filled with sexual innuendo, disparities of income, and credit reserved for men only. Judith must also make impossible personal decisions limited by the mores of the time.

Judith Nies views the sixties with clarity so that readers are able to see how the collective feminist consciousness evolves. The Girl I Left Behind is as much of a history of social cause and effect as it is a personal memoir of Nies challenges and changes. We are reminded to not take our rights and privileges for granted because they were hard-won by enlightened, intelligent women such as Judith Nies.

This book is important for its explanation of women’s history, as well as the exploration of gender inequalities in our society. Also, an individual woman will find herself examining her place in the world as it pertains to the roles that are still being defined.

Review of Crazy Love by Leslie Morgan Steiner

Leslie Morgan Steiner, a Harvard graduate with a coveted position at Seventeen magazine and a hip apartment in downtown New York City, seemed to have it all. She had already achieved sobriety, after determining she did not want to follow in her mother’s alcoholic lifestyle. Her father distanced himself from the family by immersing himself in his career. In her early twenties, Leslie had youth and independence to encourage romance. The handsome and charming Conor showed up at the right time.

Had Leslie been aware of the behaviors of a potentially abusive man, she might have realized that all that he said and did were manipulations based to suit his needs. He was in it for himself. But she fell in love. She wanted to “help him overcome the years of abuse and neglect and pain…And if I could make him whole, we’d be one person. He’d be mine forever.” The foundation for relationship was faulty; it would require insight and experience to recognize the potential for collapse.

The reader learns the signs of an abuser, at first subtle, such as snide remarks about friends, and then covert, such as demanding forfeiture of her career. Leslie cannot make a decision without mentally challenging herself first, asking, “What will Conor think?” or “How will Conor react?” The problem is, he is so unpredictable, she can never anticipate his reaction.

Woven throughout this story is a dog that Conor insisted on having, yet Leslie was reluctant to acquire. Leslie nonetheless became attached to the dog. It was interesting to read the details of the dog’s behavior during the dynamics of the relationship.

The reader learns of unexpected betrayals during Leslie’s most difficult times, as well as a surprise redemption. Also, the reader learns how hard it is to live with abuse, to survive the physical and emotional wounds, to leave, to get restraining orders, make impossible choices, to move out, to move on. This book was well-written, incorporating information, insight, and depth of characters. We ask, “Why didn’t she leave?” and Leslie Morgan Steiner tells us. We might ask, “Why didn’t he stop?” Too often, he can’t.

This book reads like a psychological thriller, yet it is true life, and is only one of thousands of stories like it. Read it to know that someone you know may be at risk.

No Secrets, No Lies: How Black Families Can Heal From Sexual Abuse by Robin D. Stone

The author of is a survivor of sexual assault. She has been an editor for Essence magazine, The New York Times, the Boston Globe, the Detroit Free Press, and Family Circle. She also teaches journalism at New York University. This impressive writing experience is evident in her clear, concise, compassionate, and culturally enlightening work: No Secrets, No Lies. Throughout the book, Stone offers “Fast Facts” in the margin, adding relevant material to the readers’ knowledge. Stone cites her sources in an extensive “notes” section. She also offers a valuable resource list and index.

Stone offers case examples in each chapter. We read about Kim, who was molested by her stepfather until she was nineteen. Kim learns that a relative had sexually abused her mother. This addresses the frightening fact that perpetration is all too often generational.

The author incorporates the limitations placed upon Black survivors. However, Stone encourages counseling: In chapter four, Stone suggests methods to finding “African-Centered Healing.” cultural starting point for the study of African people.” Stone then shares Rhonda Wells-Wilbon’s Aya Model: Ten Steps Toward Healing” for a culturally sensitive method.

Review completed by Lynn C. Tolson, author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story

Review of I Closed My Eyes: Revelations of A Battered Woman (Rebuilding Life After Domestic Violence) by Michele Weldon

The author writes in the preface, “I can pray someday I will understand why he did what he did.” A decade after the publication of her book, Ms. Weldon may know that she may never make sense of the insanity that caused her husband to nearly kill her.

Michele Weldon is an award-winning journalist, and her skills as a writer are demonstrated in this true-story about domestic violence. The book is divided into three parts. With each part, Michele inserts private notes and cards her husband wrote to her, each “love letter” meant to be endearing, carefully crafted with all the right words, but somehow lacking in sincerity.

Part One: Getting There, explores an enviable childhood and optimistic young adulthood. In her childhood, she takes us to an ice-cream shop. Michele falls in love, and with few warning signs of an abusive personality, she is married to a man who is enraged and disengaged. In a subsequent chapter, she takes the reader to a pawn shop. The reader gets the disconnect, and how denial serves for survival.

Part Two: Getting Out, explains how scary it is to stay in an abusive marriage, and how scary it is to leave. Although Michele has multiple support systems, it appears that these do not make the emotional aspects of divorcing a sabotaging tyrant any easier. He continues to batter her psychologically, often using their children as a weapon. Throughout part two, Michele writes about crying on a continuum; crying is a measure of healing and hope. The thread of tears is worth reading again.

Part Three: Getting Better, offers gem-filled vignettes, such as an exploration of color, hands, growth, grief, sorrow, joy, celebrations. Michele writes about healing, how it feels and how it sounds “I was no longer spending my nights dreading his key turning in the lock.”

This isn’t only a story about domestic violence. It is also a book about an empowered woman, separate from a man who possessed her, as she reclaimed her true self.

Michele Weldon is the author of Everyman News: The Changing American Front Page and Writing to Save Your Life: How to Honor Your Story Through Journaling

Review completed by Lynn C. Tolson, author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story

Review of Whose Face is in the Mirror: The Story of One Woman’s Journey from the Nightmare of Domestic Abuse to True Healing by Dianne Schwartz

Whose Face is in the Mirror was one of the first books I read on the topic of domestic violence. Since I am an author of a similar memoir, Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story, Whose Face is in the Mirror was recommended to me by a professor of social work who had heard Dianne Schwartz speak. At the time of my initial reading, in 2001, the book seemed to be one of a small number of real-life stories of recovery from abuse. It is a heart-wrenching story about domestic violence, and equally important is its heart-warming message of hope.

The book is divided into three parts. In Part I, Dianne shares the abuse she endured from her husband (at the time). She tells the story so that other victims realize they are not alone. Part II covers Dianne’s journey to healing through therapy. She reveals the lessons she learned from her therapist. Her insights help others understand the causes and effects of domestic abuse. Schwartz also admits mistakes she made as a mother, as she reflects on how domestic abuse affects children. In Part III, Dianne explains the ongoing process of a healing journey. She encourages readers to find a mission based not on ego and pride, but on love and compassion.

While reading this book, you will see how domestic abuse emerges and escalates. You may also realize that the reasons for staying in an abusive relationship are perhaps excuses that prevent change. Dianne reveals the advice that did not work (such as pray, fast, and submit). Then, she tells how she left her abusive husband, and what she did to reclaim her identity. She explains how the use of bright, feminine colors helped her to define herself authentically, and not as an appendage of an abusive man. In chapter 18, “Lies and Truths”, Ms. Schwartz explains the stereo-types and myths that keeps us trapped in toxic relationships, and how to improve our perspective.

Whose Face is in the Mirror is a memoir about domestic violence that is not graphic, dramatic, or sensationalized. We might expect a former Mrs. Arizona, Dianne Schwartz, to write about her glamorous life of a celebrity. Instead, we learn of a generous survivor of domestic violence who founded an organization to educate on the topic: Educating Against Domestic Violence