“Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story” Lynn C. Tolson blog

Provoked: A True Story

(from the DVD jacket) “Kiranjit, a young Indian woman, marries Deepak, an expatriate living in London. She abandons plans for college to be a wife and mother. She spends the next several years suffering his physical, mental, and sexual abuse. Her attempt at retaliation lands her in jail for murder, but a group of activists works to tell her story and win her freedom. This is based on a powerful true story.

Regina vs Ahluwaleaâ became the monumental court case that changed the nature of British law forever. It affords the Provocation Defence, the acceptance of Battered Woman’s Syndrome, as a legal state of mind in accordance with defendants who have suffered extended physical, emotional, and sexual abuse at the hands of a spouse.

In 2001, Kiran jit Ahluwalen was honored by the Prime Minister Tony Blair’s wife Cherrie Booth with the Asian Woman role model award for courage.”

This is a story of a SHero who is victorious over domestic violence.

A Private Family Matter by Victor Rivas Rivers

How does a child survive his boyhood with a father who delivers endless emotional, verbal, and physical torture?

This is what the reader learns from Victor Rivas. Born in Cuba, his family immigrated to America before Castro’s rule. Yet Victor did not escape the sadistic dictatorship of his own father. The torture that the father inflicted upon his family is difficult for a reader to process, yet it brings awareness to the tough topic of domestic violence.

The reader learns of a frustrating social system that denied resources to the most vulnerable victims: women and children. When Victor’s mother visits a police station to tell of the abuse she was experiencing, she was told that there was nothing they could do. They told her to call the next time he was beating her! When Victor ran to the police station to show his bruised pubescent body to the officers, they told him there was nothing they could do because it was “a private family matter.”

Victor’s father ruined everything, and stole his son’s right to self-determination. After witnessing abuse upon his mother, his brothers, and his pets, as well as enduring the vicious assaults from his father, Victor runs away from his house-of-horrors. He was safer sleeping in a cemetery. Naturally, he becomes a hostile, hopeless adolescent.

Yet Victor was rescued by seven families, teachers, and coaches. He spent the last years of high school learning to give and receive love. He became an athlete, actor, and advocate.

A review of 300-400 words cannot possibly convey the poignancy of this story. It is well-written, with a sprinkling of enjoyable observations, such as an anecdote about acclimating to Miami in August, and the bug life “spawned by the moisture.” Victor Rivas Rivers also shares his survival lessons as he pushes through his tough assignment.

As an author of a memoir with the same topics, I can identify with the ironic twists and turns of the home-site battlefield, as well as the universal themes of triump over tragedy. As an advocate, I would recommend this book as “a must read” for breaking the silence and cycles of violence and challenging society to promote peace in our homes.

Review of “The Girl I Left Behind: A Narrative History of the Sixties” by Judith Nies.

What was it like for a working woman in the Sixties?

Judith Nies focuses on the sixties for both her personal and professional lives. After earning a graduate degree in 1962, Ms. Nies could not find a job. Social norms dictated that women’s roles were limited to wife and mother. Nies writes: “A successful college woman of the era was supposed to have an engagement ring on her finger by the end of her senior year.” Campus recruiters encouraged her to take a job as a receptionist or customer service rep.

Nies’ husband, Mac, was an economist working at the Treasury Department in Washington, D.C. When he’s called into the office of security agents, he is shown a file compiled by the FBI that pertains to Judith. Mac explains to his wife that it was customary for family members to be included in a security clearance. Judith was still in her twenties. What could possibly concern the FBI? Thus begins the weaving of professional with personal, and the stretch and strength that led to this memoir.

Judith gets a job as an aide to ten Congressmen. Her job is considered “the most interesting job in Washington.” Nies is faced with hostile work environments filled with sexual innuendo, disparities of income, and credit reserved for men only. Judith must also make impossible personal decisions limited by the mores of the time.

Judith Nies views the sixties with clarity so that readers are able to see how the collective feminist consciousness evolves. The Girl I Left Behind is as much of a history of social cause and effect as it is a personal memoir of Nies challenges and changes. We are reminded to not take our rights and privileges for granted because they were hard-won by enlightened, intelligent women such as Judith Nies.

This book is important for its explanation of women’s history, as well as the exploration of gender inequalities in our society. Also, an individual woman will find herself examining her place in the world as it pertains to the roles that are still being defined.

Lady J

Thank you Lady J for making a difference!

On behalf of all advocates for victims/survivors of trauma, I’d like to acknowledge Lady J. For nearly a decade, she has been promoting advocates and organizations that use their presence on the internet to make a difference in the lives of others. Lady J supports advocates, activists and causes, and considers it her life’s work. Through her generous “cooperative” philosophy she serves victims/survivors by letting others know who is giving voice to those seeking comfort from trauma. Lady J says, “Together we will all heal and have a wonderful life.” Visit all that Lady J has to offer at LadyJTalkZone!

Lady J is also a leather crafter. You can find her products and others’ at Duffy’s Closet

Lady J says that Duffy’s Closet is “a collaborate of artisans who strive to keep hand made and home made alive for further generations.” 4 Children’s Future

Lori R. Lopez

The Turnaround

Following disasters

Unnatural, Man-wrought

The road to survival is eternal

Arduous, rubble-fraught

The aftermath and trauma

Need a lifetime to mend

For such wounds run so deep

That the scars have no end

Only in screaming

Can the bottomless numbth be released

From a dungeon of exile

Where emotions have ceased

Where Justice is deaf

And abusers untried

Thus the victim has kept

Blame and suffering inside

Yet these chains can we obliterate

Hearts and Truth set free

When the silence is broken

From you to me

Transformations will ripple

Forge links more profound

From sharing to caring

We can all turnaround.

Copyright 2009 Lori R. Lopez

trilllogicinnoventions.com

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Lori-R-Lopez/16277817837

I found Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story by Lynn C. Tolson difficult to put down.  I read it in three nights because the subject material required time-offs for my mind to absorb everything that was written.  People who have never been abused can’t realize how the different types of abuse can maim a person.  In Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story the reader is pulled from one emotional crisis into a sordid world of emotional, physical and mental abuse.  It didn’t seem so at the time, but the protagonist suffered greatly from her parents, brother, husband and relatives lack of understanding on treating the narrator as a piece of filth or something to throw away once done with it.

Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story is provocative and compelling.  It’s not a book to read lightly, but a book to spend time with so that you can identify with the narrator and feel the abusive battery that she survives.  I give Beyond the Tears a 5 star rating. If I could give Ms. Lynn Tolson a 10 star rating, I would have done so.  It’s a must-read for anyone who’s been involved with abusive behavior.

Review completed by Lillian Cauldwell, CEO, Passionate Internet Voices Talk Radio “Voices of the People, United We Roar”

The founders of the non-profit organization (Wo)MEN SPEAK OUT are husband and wife team Christopher and Ophelia de Serres.

Founders of (Wo)MEN SPEAK OUT

As individuals, and as a couple, they are “dedicated to eradicating rape, sexual assault, and gender violence. We seek to educate both men and women, cultivating healthy relationships and gender equality.”

Christopher de Serres is the Co-Founder of (Wo)Men Speak Out™ and Editor of Minizine, a WSO quarterly online publication. A public speaker and freelance writer with a lifelong passion of the psychology and sociology, Chris has explored such subjects as the emotional and cultural impacts of abuse, gender constraints and recidivism in our communities. While much of his work serves his passions, he explores subjects that both educate and explore a more globally diverse context to include cultural variousness and the impact humans are having on the environment. During his free time, Chris is an avid rock climber and curious tourist. He currently lives in Seattle, WA. visit him on MySpace

Through her work as Director of Ophelia’s Love and Co-Founder of (Wo)Men Speak Out™, Ophelia de Serres has a style that is uniquely her own. She draws from her personal experience as a survivor of CSA, intimate partner violence and over 6 years as an Assaulted Women & Children’s Advocate.  visit her on MySpace

I’ve known of Ophelia as an advocate for nearly 5 years, and I’ve seen her work for victims/survivors evolve. She worked behind the scenes for Angela Shelton, yet was always there (on-line) to support others. Now Ophelia holds powerful live presentations with her husband Christopher, and they reach out with courage and compassion.

View their videos on YouTube. Christopher’s video on male sexual abuse is especially moving.

Review of Crazy Love by Leslie Morgan Steiner

Leslie Morgan Steiner, a Harvard graduate with a coveted position at Seventeen magazine and a hip apartment in downtown New York City, seemed to have it all. She had already achieved sobriety, after determining she did not want to follow in her mother’s alcoholic lifestyle. Her father distanced himself from the family by immersing himself in his career. In her early twenties, Leslie had youth and independence to encourage romance. The handsome and charming Conor showed up at the right time.

Had Leslie been aware of the behaviors of a potentially abusive man, she might have realized that all that he said and did were manipulations based to suit his needs. He was in it for himself. But she fell in love. She wanted to “help him overcome the years of abuse and neglect and pain…And if I could make him whole, we’d be one person. He’d be mine forever.” The foundation for relationship was faulty; it would require insight and experience to recognize the potential for collapse.

The reader learns the signs of an abuser, at first subtle, such as snide remarks about friends, and then covert, such as demanding forfeiture of her career. Leslie cannot make a decision without mentally challenging herself first, asking, “What will Conor think?” or “How will Conor react?” The problem is, he is so unpredictable, she can never anticipate his reaction.

Woven throughout this story is a dog that Conor insisted on having, yet Leslie was reluctant to acquire. Leslie nonetheless became attached to the dog. It was interesting to read the details of the dog’s behavior during the dynamics of the relationship.

The reader learns of unexpected betrayals during Leslie’s most difficult times, as well as a surprise redemption. Also, the reader learns how hard it is to live with abuse, to survive the physical and emotional wounds, to leave, to get restraining orders, make impossible choices, to move out, to move on. This book was well-written, incorporating information, insight, and depth of characters. We ask, “Why didn’t she leave?” and Leslie Morgan Steiner tells us. We might ask, “Why didn’t he stop?” Too often, he can’t.

This book reads like a psychological thriller, yet it is true life, and is only one of thousands of stories like it. Read it to know that someone you know may be at risk.

***** A Must Read on Sexual Abuse, Domestic Violence & Suicide!

Reading Lynn C. Tolson’s memoir Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story, and feeling the relentless deluge of misfortune is like traveling through a desert thunderstorm. In the book, as in the desert, the sun comes out at the end and hope reigns.

Author Tolson draws you into her world on the first page with clear setting details of the outer storm and candid inner monologue of the despair that urges her to end her life. As readers experience Lynn’s desperate plight, two questions emerge: 1. Will she pull herself out of deep depression? and 2. What in her experience of life brought her to this desperate situation?

In subsequent chapters I felt as though I was struggling through perils with Lynn. I experienced the shock and shame of recalling incestuous acts, the guilt of addictions and the empty sense of self that couldn’t walk away from a destructive and violent partner.

Lynn aptly shows readers the slow steady process of recovery of a positive sense of self and an empowered definition of personhood. She doesn’t tread lightly on her shortcomings or on the abusive family relationships that ate away at her self respect. With keenly honed writing the author carries the reader with her up the arduous route to recovery. In the end, we feel her hope and her reclaimed and empowered sense of self.

As one who grew up in an incestuous situation, I highly recommend Beyond the Tears to other survivors and their supporters. Partners of survivors can gain insights that will benefit their relationships. Lynn’s narrative account of recovery can reveal to therapists information that their clients may resist sharing. Student’s training to counsel sexual abuse survivors can see in advance the challenges they may encounter. Families of survivors benefit from reading a first person account of the difficulties a victim faces.

Individuals who are not personally acquainted with a survivor will glean valuable insights to the long term consequences and costs of childhood sexual abuse. In our society that has nurtured a taboo of silence on the subject for centuries; we diminish the pain and angst of innocent victims. We fail to recognize the physical and mental manifestations of sexual victims. Authors’ like Ms. Tolson help us to take a realistic look at what our culture is promoting by not speaking candidly about sexual violence. Review completed by Joyce Aubrey, founder of Finding Our Voices Art

No Secrets, No Lies: How Black Families Can Heal From Sexual Abuse by Robin D. Stone

The author of is a survivor of sexual assault. She has been an editor for Essence magazine, The New York Times, the Boston Globe, the Detroit Free Press, and Family Circle. She also teaches journalism at New York University. This impressive writing experience is evident in her clear, concise, compassionate, and culturally enlightening work: No Secrets, No Lies. Throughout the book, Stone offers “Fast Facts” in the margin, adding relevant material to the readers’ knowledge. Stone cites her sources in an extensive “notes” section. She also offers a valuable resource list and index.

Stone offers case examples in each chapter. We read about Kim, who was molested by her stepfather until she was nineteen. Kim learns that a relative had sexually abused her mother. This addresses the frightening fact that perpetration is all too often generational.

The author incorporates the limitations placed upon Black survivors. However, Stone encourages counseling: In chapter four, Stone suggests methods to finding “African-Centered Healing.” cultural starting point for the study of African people.” Stone then shares Rhonda Wells-Wilbon’s Aya Model: Ten Steps Toward Healing” for a culturally sensitive method.

Review completed by Lynn C. Tolson, author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story