“Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story” Lynn C. Tolson blog

I went back to school in my forties to use the college resources to research the correlation between sexual assault and suicide attempts. Missouri Western State University, Department of Social Work and Sociology.  Suicide is not (in and of itself) a psychiatric condition: it is an extreme reaction to extreme human conditions. Basically, those who have been sexually abused are 14 times more likely to attempt suicide. Here is a synopsis of the research, which appeared as an article in the National Association of Social Workers, Missouri Chapter Newsletter.

Sexual Assault as an Antecedent to Suicide Attempts:

A Synopsis From Academic Research

by Lynn C. Tolson, BSW

This article is adapted from research and a presentation conducted by the author at the annual Social Work Institute at Missouri Western State University, Saint Joseph, MO. The purpose of this article is to discuss the relationship between sexual assault and suicide attempts. Research has focused on sexual assault or suicide attempts but few study sexual assault as a precursor to suicide attempts. Although sexual assault occurs across all classes, races, and ethnic groups, rape is the only crime where women are the majority victims. Furthermore, statistics show that females attempt suicide more often than males. Thus, the trauma of a sexual assault may be a precursor to a suicide attempt.

The confluence of factors leading to suicide obscures a path that may possibly point to an attempter’s history as a victim of sexual assault. Since suicide attempts are not crimes and drug overdoses may or may not be intentional, it makes it even more difficult to determine which, if any, suicide attempts are related to sexual assault.

Counselors screen for suicide risk by determining previous attempts, which is a primary indicator of future attempts. In suicide, the closest diagnosis is depression. Clinicians recognize that a suicidal client may present with symptoms of depression, such as fatigue, over-or under-eating, inability to focus, and/or sleeping too little or too much. However, the underlying cause of a victim’s distress must be considered, instead of merely treating a symptom, such as depression. Counselors may consider that a sexual assault history be included when screening for suicide by asking, “Has anyone touched you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable?” This questioning occurs only after the counselors have determined that the client has adequate coping skills and support systems. Follow-up services on the sexually assaulted and/or the suicidal are necessary to prevent an ultimate suicide.

Difficulties arise when victims do not report rapes even in the privacy of a counseling session. In some cases, the victim may not remember the assault, if, perhaps, she had been drugged and passed out. The victim may not reveal for other reasons, such as being blamed for the assault, fearing retaliation from the attacker, or public humiliation. Many survivors of sexual assault may believe rape myths. One such myth is that the typical rapist is a stranger to the victim. In fact, studies revealed the prevalence of date rape and/or acquaintance rape.

Counselors in the community (Saint Joseph, MO) appear to be doing all that they can given the lack of resources to meet the needs. Yet an inadequacy of services may cause individual victims of sexual assault to suffer in isolation and/or to cry out for help in the context of suicide attempts. Services intended to prevent, intervene, and treat sexual assault and/or suicide are inadequate due to lack of funding and staffing. This is unfortunate, given that the need for early rape and suicide prevention programs are necessary prior to adolescence. Agencies should start early in prevention via awareness in the community, and stay long in treating the survivor via support groups.

Churches, schools, and family/community centers may be appropriate avenues for increasing awareness. These institutions must be aware of the rape myths and facts in order to serve victims with knowledge and care. In addition, community members must be mindful of the risk factors associated with suicide to prevent completed suicides.

Society perpetuates stigmas pertaining to suicide and rape; these stigmas cast a code of silence that solves neither problem. The silence limits the study of correlations between sexual assault and suicide attempts. The limits of research diminish public awareness of social issues. However, sexual assault and/or suicide attempts are not merely private matters, but are indeed public issues. I suggest that it is necessary to increase knowledge about these issues, decrease the cost to society in human potential, and take long-term action to treat the sexually assaulted and/or suicide attempters. Adequate services and awareness opportunities for both men and women must be available to intervene, treat, and support victims.

Ample resource material is available by and for professionals (and survivors) seeking information on sexual assault. However, no matter how much literature is available on the social problems of suicide attempts and sexual assault, few true-life stories of recovery are available. Therefore, as the author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story, I made public my private journey of recovery. I reveal my struggle as a survivor of sexual assault, including incest (indeed, family members are not strangers.) The reader of Beyond the Tears is privy to the counseling sessions I engaged in after a suicide attempt. By bringing my dark secrets to light, it is my hope that others who have had similar events will know that they are not alone. Readers may also explore their own emotions to open lines of communication, eliminate shame, and experience healing. I also hope that my book promotes understanding of the issues that cause individual suffering and plaque our society. An additional benefit of this book is that any clinician will see how another counselor made a difference in the author’s life.

For information and resources visit RAINN: Rape, Abuse, Incest, National Network

Dreamcatchers for Abused Children on Blog Talk Radio

Monday, August 2, 2010 at 8PM (check blog talk radio for your time zone)

Join hosts Laurie Ann Smith and Elizabeth Brawley and their special guest Lynn C. Tolson. Lynn shares her journey from Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story in candid conversation. Lynn is an amazing woman of strength and courage who is now an advocate helping to empower others by sharing her story.

Dreamcatchers is dedicated to educating the public on child abuse signs/symptoms, intervention, prevention, statistics, reporting, and helping victims locate the proper resources to achieve a full recovery.

Review of To Be Told: Know Your Story, Shape Your Future by Dan B. Allender

Dan B. Allender, Ph.D, is a professor of counseling, a therapist, and a public speaker, seminar leader, and a “reflection and recovery” retreat facilitator. He is also associated with the Mars Hill Graduate School, in Seattle, Washington.

Dr. Allender writes with the premise of the reader’s belief in God. He uses Bible versus to reinforce a point, such as: “You meant evil against me, but God meant it for good.”

To Be Told is constructed in four parts: Your Name and Your Story; Reading Your Story; Writing Your Story; and Multiplying Your Story. One of the themes throughout each part is that of authoring your own life with the guidance of God. Dr. Allender says that God is not only your Authority, but also your Author. Another theme is that your story must be told to offer you insight, as well as to provide enlightenment for others. Allender says, “We are to read our past to gain a greater sense of how to write our life in the present.”

To Be Told is a thought-provoking book that is also a call to personal action. While reading the concepts in To Be Told, it’s difficult to not answer the questions Allender asks, including “Facing the Tragedy That Shapes You.” Allender encourages the reader/writer to be an authentic source of one’s own story. He shares his story so that the reader feels comfortable revealing his/her truth, rather than relying on the influences of others. Allender is adamant about refusing others the ability to state your past and shape your present.

At the end of each chapter, there are questions that help the reader/writer explore specifics of his/her story. (There is a To Be Told companion workbook.) Be prepared to dig deep inside to determine your life’s theme and your calling. Dr. Allender says, “We don’t find our calling; it finds us.”

This book is good for those who want to write their story, regardless of the aim to publish. It’s recommended as a tool for personal and spiritual growth.

Review completed by Lynn C. Tolson, author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story

Darkness to Light - Child Sexual Abuse Prevention

D2Llogo

Darkness to Light is a non-profit organization dedicated to prevent child sexual abuse. Darkness to Light’s Stewards of Children is a revolutionary sexual abuse prevention training program that educates adults to prevent, recognize, and react responsibly to child sexual abuse, and motivates them to courageous action. The Stewards of Children program is designed for organizations and corporations that serve children and youth.

Darkness to Light’s 5th Annual Prevent-A-Thon, August 2010

Prevent-a-thon is a month-long media event that drives people to take action to protect the children in their lives. It mobilizes the community to address the issue of child sexual abuse.

Raising Awareness of the Issue

Prevent-a-thon raises awareness of the problem by blanketing the area with news stories, supporting events, public service announcements and a public awareness campaign. In 2009, Darkness to Lights documentary ran multiple times on three local networks and WCIV Channel 4 televised a Larry King style interview in prime time. The kick-off press conference, attended by all area mayors, was carried on all three major networks and covered by the Post Courier. All radio stations and two networks broadcast Darkness to Light PSAs. CARTA buses sported (and still sport!) Darkness to Light ads, and Adams Outdoor donated prominent space for a unique billboard that is still in place. The plans for the 2010 Prevent-a-thon are even bigger and better!

Educating the Community

Each day in August, Darkness to Lights nationally-acclaimed Stewards of Children child sexual abuse prevention training sessions are held without charge in a wide array of locations and venues. In addition, there are free training sessions for businesses, youth-serving organizations, schools and faith centers. Thousands of people take Darkness to Light’s training during Prevent-a-thon, and many organizations pledge to host a training session in the coming months. There is no charge for these training sessions because Darkness to Light focuses most of its year-round local fundraising efforts on raising money for these scholarships.

Prevent-a-thon drives Darkness to Light’s local training initiative. It is expected that 23,000 tri-county adults will be been trained by the end of the calendar year. This includes 100% of Charleston, Berkeley and Dorchester County teachers!

Corporate Sponsorship Gets Attention! Sponsoring Prevent-a-thon is a great way to show large numbers of local residents that your company is responsible, caring and involved in the community. Sponsors of Prevent-a-thon receive recognition at each training session, on the Prevent-a-thon and Darkness to Light websites, in all Prevent-a-thon promotional pieces, in the Darkness to Light newsletter (over 4,000 mailed locally) and in the media.

For more information about sponsoring Darkness to Light’s Prevent-a-thon please contact Liz Boeschen at 843-965-5444, ext. 18 or eboeschen@D2L.org.

The following is a guest blog I wrote for the sexual assault survivor’s blog, “ I Tell My Truth.” Thank you to Megan Fitzwater for the kind introduction, and to the readers for their wonderful comments.

Introduction:

Lynn C. Tolson is an author, an advocate and an amazing woman. There are so many things I could tell you about Lynn, but most of all I’d like to tell you that she has been an encouraging friend in the most troubling times of my journey. When I have doubted myself, she has helped me see that telling my story is not some insignificant thing. She has shown me that love and light abound in this movement of survivors sharing their stories. She’s been a voice that has stood with me since the beginning of my truth-telling journey. I love Lynn because Lynn is a brave and brilliant woman who takes time out of her day to encourage women everywhere with her wonderful words. Here’s a little about Lynn’s WHY:

Who? What? Why? by  Lynn C. Tolson, advocate and author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story

For nearly twenty years, I engaged in careers in retail, real estate and property management. Every working day left me feeling unfulfilled, as if I was living a false life. My real life began not by changing jobs, but by putting pen to paper in journal writing sessions. Themes emerged regarding the impact of my sexual abuse, drug addiction, and suicide attempts. By using the journal to write about the problems and solutions discussed in my counseling sessions, a story of transformation evolved. My desire to share a message of healing from trauma became too strong to ignore; the book became a mission. I left the corporate environment to write my story about personal yet universal emotional issues. Although journal writing was a cathartic experience, the book was written with the courage to face my fears, with compassion for myself and others, and a conviction to tell the truth.

Sexual assault, addiction, and suicide are unsolved social problems that carry stigmas. The stigmas cast a code of silence that do not solve problems. The result from not speaking about the crime of sexual assault is too often tragic. Thus, there is a need for real stories of recovery. By bringing my dark secrets to light, it is my hope that others who have had similar experiences will know that they are not alone. Readers may explore their own emotions to open lines of communication, eliminate shame, and experience healing. I also hope that my book promotes understanding of the issues that cause individual suffering and plague our society.

I am an ordinary citizen with an overwhelming mission: to confront violence against women and children. Given that sexual assault, including incest, is a social problem, my goals are to bring awareness to the public and to be an advocate for the victims. Using my life experience and social work education, I hope to offer information that will improve the quality of life for survivors. Perhaps the future will hold enough social change to reduce the need for real stories of recovery and sites such as Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story. In the meantime, know that my purpose as Lynn C. Tolson is in my initials: LCT, Learning, Creating, Teaching, to provide empowerment of our minds, bodies, and spirits. May this generation break the silence that surrounds sexual assault and incest so that future generations may live in peace.

I started the Project for TEARS: Telling Everyone About Rape & Suicide. This is my mission: to comfort victims by sharing my story, confront violence by breaking the silence, challenge society via information and action. So no shed tear is wasted.

The reason I volunteer as an advocate is because I have been called. The rewards are intangible and immeasurable; they come as surprise gifts when something I wrote resonates with another, such as this message:

Lynn, you are the voice of so many voiceless women who are victims of abuse. I would not be surprised at the high numbers you’ve helped that you’ll never hear from. Sometimes all a person needs is knowing there is someone who understands what they’ve gone through in order to take a step towards ending the abuse. You, dear angel, have a calling and you’ve found it and I hope you never stop reaching out to those who suffer.

What came upon me as evil in the form of abuse I hope to use for good by speaking out. As one heals, so does another…

Comments:

Lori: I agree that Lynn is a “brave and brilliant woman”. She has taken time out to encourage me as a poet and to connect with me on a personal level. I’m currently reading her book in small doses due to a busy schedule. Her writing style and skills are quite commendable; her book is informative as well touching. I’m proud to know her as an advocate, but especially as a fellow survivor and friend. Thanks, Lynn!

Tracie: Lynn is SUCH an encourager! For all the years that I have “known” you Lynn, you have blessed my heart and blessed my life. Thank you for all the work that you do…speaking out powerfully for yourself and for those who have yet to find their own voice. You amaze me!

Lynn C. Tolson, advocate and author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story, will be talking on “Women Empowerment Hour” with Lori Finnila. This Blog Talk Radio show is LIVE . July 24, 2010 at 1PM PT. Lori discusses the challenges women face, and how to overcome them. She is the author of “To All My Fathers” and “My Brain Injury” as well as the “Women Evolving” ezine. Lori says of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story “I love it. [Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story]. It tells all. Your life story is amazing. You’re a wonderful writer and the way you put the book together is wonderful.” Call-ins are welcome for Q/A while the radio show is airing.

“Lynn, your book was one of the many books I read when my memories first surfaced. It was an explosion in my life that almost took my life. What got me through was consuming every book I could get my hands on that were written by survivors. These books, your book, helped me feel like I wasn’t crazy and that others felt the same. It was validation and the realization that there were others like me, who understood me, and who experienced what I experienced. I know that books written by survivors are needed in order to decrease the rates of suicide. Working together, spreading the word, and recommending these books so that they get into the hands of the people who need them is critical. A surviving reading a book from another surviving is like reading ones own story and realizing “I’m not alone” and “I’m ok.” Thank you for sharing your story.”

As an author and advocate, it is rewarding to hear that Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story, has reached readers. It makes my mission, the Project for TEARS: Telling Everyone About Rape & Suicide worthwhile.

Counteract Chaos and Confusion

I thought peace pertained only to political issues such as war and peace and peace treaties. I learned in therapy that peace is also a state of mind. There is a physiological connection between the mind and the body. Peace is achievable from within. You can tap into that peace at any time by breathing deep.

The Dove: A Symbol of Peace and Love

One way to relax is to concentrate on breathing. Deep breathing allows calmness to enter the body. Breathe in, hold to the count of four, breathe out to the count of four, inhale, hold, exhale, take it all in, let it all out. With every concentrated breath, you can experience peace of mind.

Try repeating affirmations as you breathe: ‘I am submerged in peace. I am immersed in peace. There is nothing but peace.’

Ralph Waldo Emerson said: “Nothing can bring you peace but yourself.”

(Painting by Lynn C. Tolson, watercolor with rice paper/mixed media)

Extremely Real and Vulnerably Raw

I just finished Lynn’s [Tolson] book this past weekend. I found it extremely real, honest and vulnerable. I am a Childhood Sexual Trauma survivor and I now lead support groups for women who have been sexually abused. I plan to recommend Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story as a “must read” because she [Tolson] does not hold back from allowing the reader to see the depths of her struggles as well as the immense shame and guilt that all survivors wind up carrying with them into their relationships, and careers, which ultimately becomes the victim’s identity.

This book gives a voice to those who feel hopeless due to their abuse and it validates those living with fear which winds up becoming a type of invisible prison. Through it all she goes from victim to survivor and eventually to thriver. Lynn’s journey helps make one realize it is possible to find freedom and more than a will to live, but to discover one’s passion and begin a new road that goes beyond recovery and healing to accomplishment. (Marijo, Cincinnati, OH)

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Adapted from Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story © by Lynn C. Tolson

Like many Americans of Italian descent, my family was of the Roman Catholic religion. My grandmother had statues of saints on her dresser, and a picture of the Pope over her bed. My mother prayed with me, on our knees, before bed: If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take. Our family activities were based on the religious calendar.

In parochial school, Mass was mandatory on Holy Days of Obligation. Each class marched single file to the church; nuns in habits led children in plaid uniforms. I learned words such as hypocrite and contradict and excommunication, and the language of the Catholic congregation: catechism, confession, contrition, communion, confirmation, and the rituals of the Catholic church: The stations of the Cross, the Cross on the Rosary, and the Sign of the Cross: In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost. That included all the important people, but what category did little girls fall into? There seemed to be no place for me, so whenever I was in church, I never felt right or good. I always felt guilty, because, I’d been taught, we were born with Original Sin.

Confession was a real dilemma. What sins could an eight-year-old commit? Often I did not sin at all, but since Confession was mandatory, I invented sins, such as fibbing. To perform the rites of a good Catholic, I lied to the priest about how I had fibbed to my mother. How could premeditated lies be righteous?

When I could decide for myself, I realized that a religious rituals were not for me. Some people feel stifled by institutions and some use church just to gain status. Religion may be a source of strength to others. The principles of religion, such as The Golden Rule or The Ten Commandments, serve to instill love. What if traditional religion had no significance to me? Would I live without love?

I learned that there is a difference between religion and spirituality. The main premise of spirituality is the belief in a Higher Power. With spirituality, humans attain an awareness that acknowledges the soul because we are intrinsically spiritual beings in human form. I once thought the soul hovered above or around the body, but not quite in it. Then, I learned that the body is a vessel for the soul to inhabit. The soul is the essence of love as it manifests in the world.

God’s love (your personal vision) is alive and present in your soul. Our spiritual connection is our unity with God, and the love of God in the universe. Every soul finds redemption as a child in God’s family because love is perfect and pure within all of us.

Spirituality took on a new meaning, not as a means to get to Heaven, but as a way to get through each day on earth. It was a relief to learn that I’m not a heretic without hope of redemption. The love of God is not reserved for special people who perform certain acts. Love is not a matter of deserving. No list of accomplishments is needed to earn love. There is a purpose to life, which is as simple as experiencing love and extending that love to others.