Blog for TEARS: Telling Everyone About Rape & Suicide

Review of Love Sick: One Woman’s Journey Through Sexual Addiction by Sue William Silverman (Norton, 2001) Memoir. ISBN: 0-393-01957-8

What is sexual addiction? How does one recover from this addiction? Sue William Silverman answers these questions in her heartbreaking and heartwarming autobiography. Even if a reader does not experience an addiction of any kind, no time is wasted while reading the book because the prose is so expertly crafted.

In her first book Because I Remember Terror, Father, I Remember You, (University of Georgia Press, 1996) Sue William Silverman writes about the childhood sexual abuse she experienced. She had an incestuous father and a complicit mother. The tragedy of incest leaves any child feeling that she is unlovable, and the confusion that sex equals love. The incest was woven with the elements of secrecy, danger, and destruction. In Love Sick, Sue shows the reader how those elements became a blueprint for her relationships.

As with any addiction, sexual addiction is a narrow one-dimensional drive serving only to feed itself. Sue was starved for real love as a child, so she uses unhealthy behaviors to search for love; she literally does not know better because she was not shown unconditional care. In college, she is caught in an affair with an emotionally unavailable married man, who has a son her own age. She also meets (for sex) a random obscene phone caller who is a stranger. Incest leaves the victim with instinct askew, so Sue literally believes that this strange caller was meant to meet her to show her how loveable she really is. Sue later marries Andrew, and confesses: “I first had sex with Andrew while married to someone else.” Andrew is unable to comprehend Sue’s turmoil except in terms of how it affects her role as his wife. He says, “I’m tired of shouldering all the responsibility. She could at least try to get a job teaching…”

Sue’s primary responsibility becomes recovery from childhood abuse and its ramifications. After trial and error therapy with ten counselors, Sue meets a therapist named Ted. He learns that Sue cannot will herself to stop seeing yet another married man, even while she is married to Andrew. Ted says, “Love doesn’t result in sitting alone in motel rooms. Addiction results in sitting alone in motel rooms.” Ted encourages Sue to enter a facility with a program for sex addicts. Sue learns that she is as much a predator (searching for love via sex) as she is a victim. She writes, “I am not your victim because you are not a predator any more than a bottle of scotch stalks an alcoholic.” That sentence offers enlightening information regarding the vicious cycle of addictions. Sue offers the reader reasons to have compassion for those struggling with sexual addiction by giving us glimpses into the psyches of others in the facility. During the recovery program, Sue searches her soul for genuine feelings that are not in context with a man.

As an author and advocate, I read this book twice: once to become informed about sexual addiction (or any addiction) in reference to victims of abuse, and again for the creative writing that Sue William Silverman is so keenly able to craft. www.suewilliamsilverman.com
Review completed by Lynn C. Tolson, author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story. http://www.beyondthetears.com

Review of Why I Jumped: My True Story of Postpartum Depression, Dramatic Rescue & Return to Hope by Tina Zahn with Wanda Dyson.

Tina Zahn describes her descent into a suicide attempt in this memoir about the ramifications of unresolved childhood trauma. Zahn explains that her post-partum depression was a final blow after a lifetime of abuse and abandonment. She reveals in the prologue that the reader will experience the drama of her story. The drama is captured on police video, which was recorded from the patrol car’s camera as Zahn jumped from a bridge. Zahn’s story was aired on The Oprah Winfrey Show.
Tina was sexually abused by her father. Tina describes the sexual abuse in vague terms but the reader understands how helpless and hopeless she feels. When Tina’s mother witnesses the abuse, she literally turns her back on her daughter, refusing to speak to Tina much less comfort her. The mother, who had been repeatedly beaten by the father, arranges family counseling. The counselor does not perform his due diligence and decides to withhold knowledge of incest from the authorities. The father claims he just can’t help himself, yet with his promise to control himself, the family is reunited. Tina becomes a classic example of “blaming the victim.”
Tina moves through her childhood and teenage years as a “submissive, fearful young woman always seeking to please.” In high school, she learns that her father is not her biological father. Tina is left to process the fact that it was her stepfather who had been molesting her.
Tina does not find comfort or support for her deepening depression. She’s confused about the meaning of love, but marries anyway. She can’t cope with work, but signs on for high-pressured positions. She tells the reader that “tension developed between my youngest sister, Nadine, and me” but doesn’t tell the reader why. Tina later has an in-depth conversation with Nadine about Nadine contemplating an abortion. The reader is left as confused as Tina: how does one talk with another about an unplanned pregnancy when there is tension between the two of them? Nothing is “for certain” in Tina’s world: there is no safety and security, and ambivalence rules her relationships. She decides to end the pain by jumping off a bridge. In the aftermath, an entire community of cops and Christians support her. Tina shares her healing process, which includes faith, friends, medications, and a saintly spouse.
Tina Zahn has a story to tell, but she does not claim to be a writer. The writing style is elementary: “There are good days and bad days. Christmas was a hard day.” It’s also repetitive: “Mom made it clear” (page 52) “She made it clear” (page 53) “I got the message loud and clear” (page 53). And full of clichés: “miles between us…roadblocks we would face.” However, Tina Zahn is performing a service by telling her story. Readers are made aware of the results of childhood trauma, and the fact that there is a high correlation between sexual assault and suicide attempts. These attempts are not captured on video after high speed car chases, nor are the attempters invited to Oprah. Most of the sexually abused just suffer until they silently and anonymously slip away.

Review completed by Lynn C. Tolson, author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story http://www.beyondthetears.com

Review of No Secrets, No Lies: How Black Families Can Heal From Sexual Abuse by
Robin D. Stone, 2004, Broadway Books, NY. Hardcover ISBN 0- 7679-1344-2

The author of No Secrets, No Lies is a survivor of sexual assault. She has been an editor for Essence magazine, The New York Times, the Boston Globe, the Detroit Free Press, and Family Circle. She also teaches journalism at New York University. This impressive writing experience is evident in her clear, concise, compassionate, and culturally enlightening work: No Secrets, No Lies. Throughout the book, Stone offers “Fast Facts” in the margin, adding relevant material to the readers’ knowledge. For example, Stone states, “Blacks are sexually victimized in childhood at the same rate as Whites. In one survey, they reported being more severely abused with greater force.” Stone cites her sources in an extensive “notes” section. She also offers a valuable resource list and index.

The title of the first chapter is: “Was It Sexual Abuse?” Stone writes, “For many of us, we have buried sexual abuse so deep into our psyches that we would never connect it to today’s physical illnesses and pain, our depression or addiction, our inability to hold a job, get out of debt, find satisfaction in a relationship, nurture our children, or simply say no to people or situations that do us harm.” Indeed. No matter the gender, race, religion, socio-economic class, or ethnicity, victims of sexual abuse will experience the devastating ramifications. Victims suffer initially with the abuse, then again with each result that limits our human potential. Stone tells the reader: “in addition to the trauma of sexual violation, survivors must also deal with the trauma of being born and raised in a racist and sexist culture.” And therein lies the roots of our troubled society.

Stone offers case examples in each chapter. We read about Kim, who says, “I’m always afraid that people will leave if they see the real me.” The “real me” is the child who was molested by her stepfather until she was nineteen; even as a young woman, he slapped her for resisting. Kim’s mother kicked Kim out of the house, leaving Kim to fend for herself with friends. Kim learns that a relative had sexually abused her mother. This addresses the frightening fact that perpetration is all too often generational.

The author incorporates the limitations placed upon Black survivors. “When Blacks seek help from White institutions [they] find little sympathy or understanding.” “Blacks [have] a deep mistrust of a majority White medical profession. Blacks have been slow to embrace traditional therapy.” “We often find ourselves sitting across from a counselor who hasn’t a clue about the complexities of our culture, our history, and our challenges, and who can only see our problems solely from a White or middle-class perspective.” However, Stone encourages counseling: “We have historically turned to our own support systems…sister circles…but for many of us the problems associated with being sexually abused run far too deep for untrained experts to help us tackle them in a meaningful way.” Stone tells the reader: “…experts have developed multicultural approaches to therapy that incorporate the values, customs, and traditions of non-Whites.” In chapter four, Stone suggests methods to finding “African-Centered Healing.” Stone uses a statement from Rhonda Wells-Wilbon, a social work professor and sexual assault survivor, to define “African-Centered” as: “using Africa as a geographical and cultural starting point for the study of African people.” Stone then shares Rhonda Wells-Wilbon’s Aya Model: Ten Steps Toward Healing” for a culturally sensitive method.

At the end of each chapter, the author offers a “Help Yourself” section. In chapter five, “Protecting and Saving Our Children,” Stone tells the reader to “act on suspicion” and “get involved.” She also offers “The Child’s Bill of Rights.” In the final chapter, “Reconciliation…and Moving On” Stone offers exercises to confront an abuser, if the victim finds it necessary for healing.

Review completed by Lynn C. Tolson, author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story http://www.beyondthetears.com

The following is for informational purposes only:

Suicide Risk Factors
SAD PERSONS scale for evaluating suicide potential.

S sex: females more likely to attempt; males more likely to succeed
A age: 19 or younger and 45 and older at higher risk
D depression: may increase potential for suicidal thinking

P previous attempt: highest predictor of a subsequent attempt
E ethanol abuse: abuse of drugs and/or alcohol
R rational thinking loss: unrealistic and subjective thoughts
S social supports lacking: isolation from others
O organized plan: the more specific, the more the risk
N no spouse: single, divorced, widowed
S sickness: long-term illness and/or no cure
Adapted from Zastrow, C. (2000). Social Problems: Issues and Solutions.

The following is for informational purposes only.

Everyone can relate to having “the blues” on a bad day, when the weather is gloomy, the traffic is tied up, and business and/or children make impossible demands. Anyone can associate a night without sleep to a day without energy. However, when feeling down persists month after month, it’s time to consider the possibility of clinical depression. According to the National Institute of Mental Health (http://www.nimh.nih.gov) depression can occur at any age and affects almost 10 percent of American adults. Research indicates that the risk of depression exists with an interaction of difficult life events and a genetic predisposition. The symptoms of depression include:

q Restlessness, irritability
q Appetite and/or weight changes
q Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism
q Persistent sad, anxious, or empty mood
q Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness
q Decreased energy, fatigue, being slowed down
q Thoughts of death or suicide, or suicide attempts
q Insomnia, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping
q Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions
q Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies & activities that were once enjoyed

If five or more symptoms are present daily for two weeks or more, then it may be time to have an evaluation for depression.

Rape Myths

1. Victims are to blame in some way for the assault.
2. Rape is an expression of sexual desire.
3. It won’t happen to me.
4. Men can’t stop themselves when they are sexually aroused.
5. Rape is usually committed by strangers.
6. It’s no big deal if a woman is forced to have sex with someone she knows (for example, a friend, date, boyfriend, or spouse) and it isn’t really rape.
7. Men are never victims of sexual assault.
8. Sexual violence does not occur between lesbians or between gay men.
9. If the victim was drunk or drugged, he or she was asking for it.

Rape Facts
1. The rapist is always responsible for having committed rape. Regardless of the victim’s appearance, behavior, judgment, or previous actions, the victim is not responsible for the rape. Rapists are responsible for the rape
2. Rape is an expression of hostility and aggression with sex as the vehicle. Rape is a violent abuse of power in which one person acts without regard for the pain and trauma inflicted on another.
3. One study found that one in four college women have been victims of rape or sexual assault. About 10% of sexual assault victims are men.
4. Men are capable of, and responsible for, controlling both their minds and bodies, just as women are.
5. College women are in far greater danger of being raped by a friend or a fellow student than by a stranger. Almost 90% of college women who were raped knew their assailants.
6. Sexual intercourse forced by an acquaintance is rape. In some ways it is more traumatic than stranger rape because the victim’s trust in others and in her own judgment can be seriously damaged.
7. Both men and women may be perpetrators or victims of sexual assault. Unfortunately, male victims rarely seek help, cue to embarrassment and the fear that they will not be taken seriously.
8. Sexual violence does occur in same-sex relationships. Far of homophobic responses may prevent victims from seeking help.
9. Inability to give consent is not “asking for it.”

Warshaw, R. (1994). I never called it rape. New York, NY: HarperPerennial.

Prepared by Lynn C. Tolson, author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story and founder of the Project for TEARS: Telling Everyone About Rape & Sexual assault.
http://www.beyondthetears.com

Sexual assault, addiction, and suicide are unsolved social problems that carry stigmas. The stigmas cast a code of silence that do not solve problems. The result from not speaking about the crime of sexual assault is too often tragic. Thus, there is a need for real stories of recovery. By bringing my dark secrets to light, it is my hope that others who have had similar events will know that they are not alone. Readers may explore their own emotions to open lines of communication, eliminate shame, and experience healing. I also hope that my book promotes understanding of the issues that cause individual suffering and plague our society.

Kiranjit, a young Indian woman, marries Deepak, an expatriate living in London. She abandons plans for college to be a wife and mother. She spends the next several years suffering his physical, mental, and sexual abuse. Her attempt at retaliation lands her in jail for murder, but a group of activists works to tell her story and win her freedom. This is based on a powerful true story.
“Regina vs Ahluwalea” became the monumental court case that changed the nature of British law forever. It affords the “Provocation Defence,” the acceptance of Battered Woman’s Syndrome as a legal state of mind in accordance with defendants who have suffered extended physical, emotional, and sexual abuse at the hands of a spouse.

In 2001, Kiran jit Ahluwalen was honored by the Prime Minister Tony Blair’s wife Cherrie Booth with the Asian Woman role model award for courage.

Sue William Silverman’s memoir, “Love Sick: One Woman’s Journey Through Sexual Addiction,” has been made into a Lifetime Television movie, to premiere on March 1, 2008. It stars Sally Pressman (of “Army Wives”) and David James Elliott (of “JAGS”). In conjunction with the premiere, the book is also being released as a paperback edition with W. W. Norton. For more information, please visit www.suewilliamsilverman.com

Eagle Born to Fly: Finding Life Beyond Depression by Sharon C. Matthies. Published by Book Coach Press, Ottawa, Ontario, Canada, 2003. 150 pages. ISBN: 0-9680347-9-9 paperback.

Imagine suffering through each day for years with the symptoms of depression! This is what Sharon C. Matthies candidly and courageously shares in her book.

Until the age of five, Sharon enjoyed a happy and relaxed childhood in Canada. But the death of her newborn sister brought the family to grief so deep it was unspeakable. This was in direct conflict with the fairy tales of happy endings that children are so fond of reading. What Prince Charming would rescue the family from the trauma of an infant’s death? Which Fairy Godmother would reassure Sharon of her secure place in her family? Where was the Good Witch that would fill the family with love and laughter potions again? The lack of communication and affection from her family caused Sharon to believe that the void existed within her. Furthermore, her self-worth deteriorated when her grieving mother would snap: “Go away, leave me alone, don’t be such a nuisance.” Sharon became convinced that she “was indeed a nuisance.” Sharon developed the core belief that she was a misfit in her own family.

By the time she was thirteen, Sharon’s “fear and insecurity grew unchecked and unchallenged, somehow accumulating into a full-blown death wish.” Surviving her own death wish became the focus of Sharon’s existence, so much so that she was unable to see “the possibility of other possibilities.”
Despite her chronic and acute feelings of failure, or perhaps because of them, Sharon sought solace as a camp counselor, in school and church activities and with music. Just as she was spreading her seeds of success in adolescence, her parents decided to move, uprooting what was familiar.

However, Sharon was graced with an experience of profound connectedness to the Holy Sprit on “Sacred Ground” at a prayer meeting in her new neighborhood. This seemingly coincidental and chance meeting would form a foundation of spirituality that would sustain Sharon even as she sank deeper into the depths of depression. Sharon says that she drifted through detours on her journey through life, without an accomplishment to mark a measure of success, except for the spirituality that ultimately saved her.

Indeed, Sharon needed divine intervention to save her from a suicide attempt. She writes that the void was so wide and vast that “there was nothing left inside of me.” Yet, even as she swallowed pills, she prayed for salvation. Finally, a True Friend rescued Sharon by following her own intuition to guide herself to Sharon’s door.

Meanwhile, Sharon has a dream that affirms her security in the spiritual realm, and propels her back to consciousness.
Sharon shares the long road to recovery, which began with “authentic self-knowledge.” What Sharon needed to know was that she is “loved and has a rightful niche in the world.” The road was difficult, with set backs and pit falls of doubt and distrust. These worsened when her father and mother died. Meanwhile, Sharon plodded along in tedious yet demanding careers, and inhabited dingy and infested apartments.

Sharon tried prescribed medications, but a recommended yet unsupervised switch from one anti-depressant to another left her unaccompanied in a detoxification experience. Chronic fatigue also held her hostage in her own home.

Sharon ultimately found a psychologist with whom she “muddled through the mangled chaos” of her anxiety ridden mind. Carrying the spiritual epiphany that “I am, therefore I’m worthy” Sharon began an uphill climb out of the depths of depression. The void she had experienced became filled with her love for God and His love for her. Sharon experiences the love of a spouse, the connection to friends, and the grounding of a happy and healthy home. Therein lies the happy ending.

The reader learns life lessons because Sharon generously shares her Truth and Knowledge. The reader is also grateful that Sharon survived to offer her poetry, dreams, and narrative, which give reason to hope. In this reviewer’s opinion, what Sharon shares with others is a great achievement. Those reaching through depression for themselves or others, and those seeking to understand the dynamics of depression, will benefit from reading Eagle Born to Fly.

For ordering information, email eagleborntofly@magma.ca

Review completed by Lynn C. Tolson, author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story. http://www.beyondthetears.com